Welcome to life

the potential lover

2012-02-06T05:36:00.001+08:00

he offered to cook dinner for me again this valentine's.

same as he did the year before.

I politely decline.

well I know he's the type of guy that once he decides to settle down, he won't be fooling around and stay loyal to me. for he's been there done it all. I know deep down inside him he wanna settle down, just haven't found the girl. or maybe like he claimed is just waiting for me.

I can't tell if he's being honest or not. for he has been single for years, telling me the same old for years, persistent but not pushy.

and bcoz of that I've always been by his side. but just as a friend. I don't feel like that for him. it would makes things so much more convenient if I do. and for all these years, he never failed to make me feel like I belong. his friends were so welcoming of me. he's always there when I need him, with a smile and support, I sometimes feel he's bit like me in this sense. well he might not know this, but he made a difference in my life.

I just had to keep my distance, bcoz I can't allow myself to depend on him. I have to learn to be independent bcoz j don't know if I'm able to deal with more losses. I'm also afraid if he knows his worth in my life he might take advantage of it, hence I have to keep things casual.

I have my list of things to do. he's been very encouraging of it. giving me ideas of how to do it, sharing his experience. maybe also bcoz he knows my bucket wish, and inability to commit hence he isn't pushy with me. he always tell me we'd get married when I'm 30 if I dont find anybody. with his smiley face, I can't tell if he's kidding or not.

one moment it felt like he really understands and gives me space, another feels like possibly he is just looking for something with no strings attached. I don't know. won't even think about finding out. I can't bare to hurt another person I care for, nor can I bare the hurt myself :(

dragon cny

2012-01-30T06:17:00.001+08:00

today is day 8 of cny. the first year I go thru without ma. and there hasn't been a day I didn't come home at 4am.

I feel horrible. I need a distraction. I feel lonely. even when I am with my friends I don't feel like I belong. I just sank into the cards, the tiles, the food, whatever that was there that night.

sometimes I don't wanna sleep at my own bed I wish there is somewhere I can go. there isn't.

sometimes I wish there is somebody who knows how everything runs around at home. there isn't.

her stuff aren't as organize as they used to be bcoz over the year they were moved around due to etc reasons. some of their existance were neglected bcoz nobody used them but her, and now that she's gone nobody knew what's good been left behind bcoz they're so petty.

my room is a shithole mess bcoz I don't where to put things, how to arrange them, what to throw or what to keep.

I feel like such a mess I don't know what to do. the only relieve is that now there is no more pressure to get things fixed, but doesn't mean there is no need to clean me up.

I have awesome friends around me. I just don't know how to appreciate them bcoz I don't know how to deal with myself right now, and I really need to sort me out right now :(

subway love

2011-12-10T18:06:00.001+08:00

made me think of you everytime I had subway cookies. and I eat them often. really do wonder, are you thinking of me coz I'm thinking of you.

Again and again

2011-10-26T02:09:00.001+08:00

there is an empty feeling inside the heart, a lot of unhappiness, a lot of worrisome. I feel the need to talk. but there is nobody to talk to. I don't literally mean nobody but I'm just being picky. bcoz there is nobody who can gimme the feeling of security at the moment. and so I do talk, but only without contents.

there had been many ups n downs. I'm a complicated person. or maybe just an easily confused person. lil things make me happy, but little things made me sad too. and these little things are so simple, happens too frequently in a day, which made me happy and sad. and such sudden emotion change so easily and frequently made people confused too, not only myself.

at the end of it, I wonder myself, why do people need to understand? so what if they do or they don't. would it make that much of a significant difference. possibly no. I'm not that important to anyone. just like every other person with equal rights. not too special nor extraordinary.

solution: just walk away. nobody cares anyway. won't bother explaining myself. nor whine too much about it.

if I explain myself, proves that I wanna people to care, seeking for attention, still being hopeful.

but if I walk away quietly without a word, it would be bcoz I'm hurt. the realization of nothing I can do to change the situation. very cliche-ish to quote silence is the loudest cry, but in my situation, it is true

who moved the cheese?

2011-10-09T06:36:00.001+08:00

it's been a wonderful week. very meaningful life changing week. not bcoz I've been a happening person but solely bcoz of all the "long lost friends" who I suddenly came into contact with.

it's also the birthday week but bcoz of some 白事 that happened earlier this year I refused what so ever celebration.

and so on that night I spend the night on my bed, resting hoping to fall asleep, and suddenly my twin called. and I made a lifetime discovery in that phonecall. well I possibly know about it for a while already but am just in denial of it. but surprised surprised, the cheese is no longer there. so who moved the cheese? well you can choose to waste time n investigate about the "lost cheese" or just deal with it and find a solution to it.

the conversation was deep really deep, but it made me understand myself even better and certainly did solved a lot of doubts I had before regarding the cheese.

and this week was also the convocation week! so proud of my civil juniors finally graduated and into the harsh working world. happy to see how well they're doing, some of them even coupled up. well it's been a while already but just me haven't been updated thats all. I'm full of mixed feelings. with me being a year older, I feel just like a mama proud of her many sons :D

and last minute I was also invited to the cc convo dinner, such a great night to be seeing old coursemates college mates, people who I used to lived with. such a warm feeling. ahhh the great uni days.

and today I rekindled my relationship with one of my best uni friends. there had been some conflict in the past and it has always been my deepest regret to not be able to sort things out. and although things were a lot more complicated than I've assumed it to be, but I'm glad we're halfway there to sort it out, and I really do hope we can work out the perfect ideal situation in future. it takes time. it would be hard, but I'm sure we can work thru it :)

but I'm really happy to finally be able to let go of the regret, tho not completely but I was thanked for providing such valuable lessons in life, that possibly no one could do a better job, and after all the hardships, the ending is a happy one. one grew more tough, understanding, and matured.

oh I love you all who are here for me. each and everyone of you are just so special to me. and I hope my bad memory won't ever forget all these wonderful events in life ^^ xoxo

Saying sorry

2011-09-27T05:19:00.001+08:00

"Apologizing doesn't mean you're wrong and the other person is right.

It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego."

just something that has been going on my mind for a while. and someone just voice out my heart by posting it on Facebook.

you're ignorant, insensitive, stuck up, stubborn, inconsiderate. I love you and I care for you. I tell you off bcoz I want you to change for the better.

but I'm sorry I can't be that person anymore. maybe you never cared about what I did for you for they're just small lil things that you never knew how to appreciate. so with your ignorance and how I refused to tell you off anymore, you still don't know what going on. you probably didn't realize I'm ignoring you.

I'm sorry that I've decided to love myself more today. I've decided that I can be by your side for sometimes I'm not a good person when you're around, and I don't like that. I don't like being angry, I don't like to be poking in your business so much when my "assistance" is not required. I don't like to try too hard when I'm not needed. in fact I hate it that I detest myself for doing it.

but at the end of it what do I get. you still don't reflect on your mistakes. you still don't learn how to apologize. you still don't know how to think for others around you. you just move on to other more important stuff and "know" things would work out eventually. I'm sorry it wont be like this this time. I'm sorry I had to give up on you.

I'm sad. I really hope that you'd miss while I'm gone. though I know it won't be happening. I know I treasure our relationship more than my ego, but at the same time it's sad to admit it's won't be the same for you.

goodbye

Heart of Stone ?

2011-08-02T02:29:00.002+08:00

try as I may, I can never really distract or deny how I truly feels.

bcoz every small lil negativity would eventually lead back to you.

I dont know if Im just using you as an excuse to be sad.

sometimes it feels so bad and it happens too frequently I question myself if Im using you as an excuse.

it's been 6 exact months since you're gone.

I thought things had been better, but frankly speaking, it has not.

or maybe it had but it was significantly small for me to feel it.

every small lil disappointment in life will lead me on to thinking there is nobody like you.

but I have lose you forever.

everytime i feel lonely, I would feel lost n confused.

and you are not here for me.

i have went thru bad times, and I have felt sad before while you were here ..

but after a while, the mind always lead me back to how I have someone at home who loves me, who would never give up on me.

while now, its just ... emptyness.

and sometimes it just feel like ......

我不難過，這不算什麼。

只是为什么眼泪会流，我也不懂

Bao Bao

2011-05-25T05:33:00.002+08:00

Falling in love with thailand all over again~
am thinking if i wanna go learn the language.
I have 10 months to learn how to speak a lil before i go to bangkok next year :)
so excited~ finally meeting nizki after like .....3 yrs then.

am stoning right now.
I think it's bcoz of the extra double shot coffee i had during lunch.
530am cannot sleep. 830am gotta work.
die.

but i really wanna share this sweet song~
thai songs damn meaningful lark

We only have one heart
Why bother seeking for so many things?
It will just cause us more troubles.
Just you to take good care of us
Let us do everything we want for the moment

*Sometimes it's okay if you're far away
And you might sometimes forget to think of me, I understand
Dont be sad things didnt turn out the way you want it to be
Just let it be

#Think of me sometimes when you've got noone to think of
Chill out, and we would meet in our dreams
Spare me your happiness there is nothing too much
So we're tenderly loving each other

There is a long way ahead you and I
so it wont ever be too late to let the heart learn

American Boy

2011-04-13T17:55:00.003+08:00

I have always love this song, but I never knew the song title nor the lyrics.
but I repeating it all over work today.
and Im loving it!

there's one line singing my heart out. hahahaha just cant stop thinking bout it.
i think, imma start watching some tvb soon to get rid of this feeling :)

Life is a roller coaster

2011-04-12T02:03:00.003+08:00

.. which has its own ups & downs.

I dont know if it's a good thing to feel so deeply for everything that is happening around me, to be easily satisfied by small lil things and later to feel so bad for other small lil -ve stuff as well.

I really feel my simplicity is americanized. Im such an American wannabe. but Im loving it ;)

feel so angmo wanna be that i even got myself sexy brown eyes lol. internal joke really <3

hrmmm I had a dream bout my mum last saturday. we were just talking, and she was just saying about telling me about all the stuff she've done for me. I know about it all. I never doubt her love for me. that's what got me really sad about losing her. bcoz I lost the only thing who ever love me in my life. I lost the love of my life :( and i was whining of how tough things had been around me recently, I broke down n cry in the dream. and possibly bcoz I was crying too hard, I woke up. and felt tears on my cheeks. the only dream which felt so vivid, that i actually cried even more when i got up.

and i was so emo all day. and i wanna get out so badly. i need a break away from home.

thank god thye yett was back in town! <3

and we decided to meet up! wento giza with randall & bryan to meet up with the DU gang. and had a really good time. good company. interesting stories from the past. it was good i was happy.

and the following day, I wento collect my glasses. HD view finally!

today when was at work, revi couldnt stop laughin at my new geeky look

hahahaha

i also got my new color contact lenses to angmo-nized myself. will post pic once i put it on, but Im just gonna enjoy my HD view for a moment. the only disadvantage would be that I cant see my food when I eat bcoz of the thick black frame blocking my sight whenever i look down. ><

and so small lil things like self pampering got me excited all night. so excited that I couldnt sleep.

then it's was 2.45am. war time. i got a dk!

i was OWNINGZZZZZZZZ lol

i havent sunk forts in a while.

such joy kept me up til 530am.

and i was exhausted all day. without coffee. and lazy. and weather was just gloomy. got me .. moody .. and also for the fact i was worried bout granny's appt with the doctor on the same day. and how a friend got into a minor accident. and another friend broke up with his 5 yrs gf. they're all so sad ..... and i got upset :(

and night comes. had some emo chat with granny bout mummy.

from emo to even more emo

and it all changed. within seconds, when sungwook offered me a place to stay in seoul ^^

and the timing i was visiting korea, is so perfect .... that korea actually have 2 public holidays .. out of the 10 days i was there ..... like wow how coincidence is that. and catching up with him. just recharged my endorphins .. just like that :)

hahahaha so after a whole lot of boring post. I officially declared myself a self proclaimed drama queen. lol. and so the drama queen is signing off to bed. merely slept 3 hrs last nite ><

Strong women

2011-04-05T01:09:00.003+08:00

While to some, it is a gift. To me it is a curse. I think.

what am I talking about?

Intelligence.

Perhaps god should only grant those strong minded souls with intelligence.

For a weaked minded person like I am, it is definitely a curse. elementary & secondary school was made so easy for me, that I forgot what hard work is all about. diligence was never part of my dictionary. and as I grow older, education got tougher, but teamed along with the laziness .. I got thru school with a lot of 'cheating'. but it was also all these cheating that I've done, that made me an empty shell. so now you get my point of it being a curse ?

my mother always think I could be so much better than how I am now. I couldnt agree less. if only I have attitude, which Im lacking .. all the bad habits trained throughout the first 25 years of my life. Im paying for it now, slowly. struggling to get thru stuff. unsincerely regretting thru all my sloth. but who am I kidding?

Envy for sure I am. for they are who I would never be however hard I try. I wanna be just like them. all I have to is put my mind into it. "think of what you want to happen, and it would, for the human mind is so powerful, it could take you so far if you use it correctly," some religious person used to say. it is so true. there had been so many thesis and studies done about what the brain can do. but what the thesis n studies doesnt tell you is how Satan comes into play, for it is a discouraging thought they need to remove from the mind.

and for me Satan is always there. always the culprit, always got the better of me :(

to all those people who always got up on time, go to bed early. I dont know how they do it. I can try very hard, and it only works sometimes. it's complicated I cant explain.

I personally feel that women are always the weaker gender. it might not be true, but in my honest opinion, at the end of everything, perhaps all we want is somebody to hug to sleep. note somebody. not something.

and maybe that is bcoz Im weak. but I've seen examples of so many independant women, single and successful. I feel intimidated. and it made me wonder about the men around them. these people are so great, it is just such waste if they were to succumb to their weak side. and they know it. and born with intelligence and strong minds, they make it work. the next question is always what if their weak side kicks in? perhaps maybe their strong mind is so focus, and the weak side doesnt stand a chance .. and they're just so happy with the way they are. I dont know.

I guess motivation is the key. I need a focus. need to train my mind to work. need undo my curse and make it a blessing.

although I secretly wanna be just a farmer's wife. now Im an engineer. and I need to make it work for myself :) gambateh!

Kate Perry

2011-04-03T21:49:00.003+08:00

I dont know why I totally love her.

hahahah i love beiber as well but nobody could understand it lol.

am craving for a-party-til-you-drop night since forever.

it's okay. it's been 60 days.

60 really horrible days of my life.

but Im sure I could make it thru 100.

besides korea is just around the corner.

and kate perry would help me out ;)

my personal favourite

Hope you don’t see me blush
but I can’t help but want you more, more
Baby tell me what’s your story
I ain’t shy and don’t you worry
I’m flirting with my eyes
wanna leave with you tonight
Do you come here much?
I gotta see your face some more!

How I feel for you ..

2011-03-22T23:40:00.002+08:00

Just being close to you, sharing the air with you

even if we're just friends still, its too hard to resist

there's always a question in my mind

I want to know you feelings

I just cant tell you how much I love you

I know Im just no one

I know it cant be possible

there's no hope for me no matter what

since you have nothing to do with me

no matter how hard I've tried you wouldnt love me

and soon all my hope will be faded away

even if i love you this much its just meaningless to you

I'd just been hoping too much that someday you'd love me too

despite the fact that its' impossible and Im not the one for you

its still okay lemme just keep you in my heart til the time ends

dont know how long will it take for me to erase you from my mind

dont know when will I be able to love again

My Love Forecast ..

2011-03-08T16:38:00.002+08:00

Love Forecast: Feb. 28 – March 6, 2011

Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 23 A talkative moon has you engaging in sexy emails and text messages, provocative phone conversations, and steamy in person flirtation. You'll win someone over with your creative words and impress that special honey with your descriptive proposals.

Love Forecast: March 7 - March 13, 2011

Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 23
You're trying to heal some wounds from your past so you can move forward. Saturn is inspiring you to dig deep into old relationships, failed marriages, or broken engagements. Be honest with yourself about how you contributed to any problems.

Strangely enough I know just exactly what it is talking about. its accuracy frightens me really

Almost entering month 3 of 2011

2011-02-24T17:15:00.002+08:00

I know I been wanting to blog for a very long time. I wanted to blog about my past year new years resolution, how successful or how badly it failed. and possibly make new ones this year, but I hadnt had a chance to bcoz the year didnt start off too well.

I promised Jonathan sidik <3 that Im gonna blog n maybe post some pics from the hong kong trip in november but I havent done it either. Ahem the pics is still in the camera not transferred to the com ><

and there are so many things bottled up inside me ever since 2011 started, I just dont know how to express them, confused bout how I really feel or what I really want. hence me just stoning around not knowing what to do.

and it's coming to march soon. last year I anticipated for 2011. Im gonna meet up with my taiwan lovelies. my korean boys. it's all good. but the mess from 2010, made life so miserable. and the lost of the person I loved the most in my life. it was all hard for me.

I miss you. I really do. I wish there is still a person there to stand up against me n believe in me. I wish there is still someone out there who understands me and love me despite all my flaws that you hated, never giving up on me, hoping that I would one day be the better person. I wish there is still you who is always there to entertain my stupid question or silly daily happenings. I dont anymore. Im now just all byself.

and life just felt hard. so hard without you. I just feel so tired explaining myself to someone who would never understand. tired of being pushed so hard at all the things I didnt do, but taken for granted for the things I did.

it's been 20 days. 20 hard days. sometimes i just whisper to myself about all that I was doing, knowing you would never respond anymore, but just hoping you can hear, and know that Im doing well. not happy but well. well at least I can say I have nothing to worry about in my life anymore. I was having lotsa other troubles with etc and not happy while you were around. and you saying goodbye, gave me the courage to lose all my troubles as well, bcoz I guess it's time I be firm about what's important and good for me. and it works like how it was meant to be, out of sight, out of mind. now I just need to keep it out of sight, and move on with life. I wish it had been easier with you, but you were never trivial to me. I might seems like I dont care, but you were never trivial.

and so Im going taiwan soon. I have yet to decide if Im gonna travel alone or with a partner, but I would like some quiet time. maybe take some beautiful picture of spring. I hope to update soon. prob when my mood lighten up. it has already actually. just a bit, but I am better now :)

Weird dreams

2010-10-08T04:27:00.003+08:00

maybe the holiday mood makes me go a bit kuku.

coz I dream funny. just yesterday I was dreaming about myself drooling on the lappie while I keep receiving spams on msn. just to wake up and find myself sleeping with the laptop folded next to me. but of course out of curiosity I wondered if anyone really left a msg for me while I was asleep, so I switched on the lappie to check anyways. or maybe it isnt a dream, just my imagination while I was sleeping bcoz I swear that thought went thru my mind THREE TIMES. and I woke up 3 times, feeling in a daze, just to satisfy the curiosity.

the one before that was even weirder. bcoz I dreamt my dreams being fulfilled. I think I was backpacking and is spending the night in the hostel. I dreamt that I was sleeping, but was woken up by the cold. I think it's prob a room for 8. and I was on one of the top bunk. so I got up and I woke up the guy who is sleeping beneath me. He somewhat look familiar, but I dont really know who is he.

"Im feeling cold", I said in my usual childish, somewhat coquettish tone.
"You poor girl, come n sleep with me. I'd keep you warm", he offered.
"But would that sorta body contact turns you on?" me being hesistant.
"Silly girl, shouldnt you known better by now. Now come over here." He said as he pulled my hand to hold me. and I just lie down obediently and hug him to sleep.

and I was almost certain that I was in a romantic relationship with this person. but he showed no response nor interest in me. and he sounds pretty gay too. maybe earlier he was just trying to tell me that I should know that he is only interested in boys. idk, the dream just felt absurd.

but then that dream inspire me to go make more gay friends. anyone can intro ?
keekekekek

A secret to share

2010-10-05T01:02:00.002+08:00

hrmmmm
Im kinda feeling a bit off today
like something is not right with me.
i have stories to share but so far the people who i spoke to havent been giving the right responses. so I guess blogging out my stories is the only way.

and so Im on my week off for a family trip up north. I was in penang during the last weekend and now Im at cameron highlands for the next 2 days.

penang was fun yesterday bcoz i met some korean tourist which made my day. and later that night when i wento batu feringgi night market there was this thai girl who was looking after stall. she was very nice n friendly. i love thai ppl. had a good time chatting with her that i didnt even bother to bargain when i bought my dress.

i know anyone who had heard me say this would think Im mad. but I feel happy whenever i see korean/thai ppl. there is something about the presence of such people which creates a joyful aura. I like :)

i made a new friend recently. hrmmm ever since my travels, cc n I have always been complaining about how the people got rooted back to life so easily, while us we're still living life in the past. i guess one of the best moments is still meeting people of our kind there. while most ppl here are just too realistic, us on the other hand more like idealist. and i connect well with ppl who loves to travel backpacking too. I mean it is only when i talk to those people I dont feel like Im being judged or discriminated.

hrmm n it's not really proper to say things like this in public.
another thing which i feel funny while most people might find it indecent n crazy.
wat happen was somebody confronted me about a photo they saw on gutter. oh my. I wish I could show u the pic, but shy lark. the girl look 99% like me leh. and it was such a coincidence bcoz just 2 weeks ago I cut my hair to somewhat look like that too. wahseh. one of the first thing I did was show the ex bf of it, and he was like "wtf why u take naked pic of urself?" I find it so funny that I almost rolled off the bed

i also told a new friend about it, which is probably me not using brains. bcoz I kinda regretted it. he must have thought Im a freak. I mean imagine some stranger online suddenly show u naked pics. esp a girl.

suddenly makes me wonder how the fren found "me" naked. i wento the thread too. got like 100 pics of chicks posing one after another. and they actually slowly see thru one by one. naked pic really so nice to see meh ><
boys ..... -.-"

Im in cameron highlands now. I couldnt sleep coz my mind is bursting with thoughts. I would need to wake up early for morning walk tmr. weather is awesome. remind me of cp times. would be nice to have someone to cuddle. jealous leh everyone couple couple me odd one out. k lark sleep lor. nite guys

Being a Better Person

2010-08-26T13:02:00.002+08:00

listening I've been getting a lot of flash back about the advice people might have given me through out these years.

for I am a sensitive soul. I take small lil things to heart. and like I've said before, they might be small, but they aint trivial. and it really doesnt take much for these small lil things to happen, they just do. and like sunshine, they brighten up your day just like that.

but these small lil things in small lil packages doesnt always contain the good stuff. sometimes they might be rotten. and so how do I deal with these rotten things in life.

life isnt perfect. it can be great & wonderful. it can suck & is horrible. it all depends on how you look at things. many times it's just a matter of things being just a slight difference, then it would be good.

but instead of praying for things to be different for a perfect happy ending, you know these sorta things arent in your control most of the times, why not just change yourself to be a better person? You're at a win win situation here. You be a better person, and you get your happy ending. sometimes it's just all that easy.

all we really need to do is just take some time to listen & reflect on the comments received. if it is for the better, then it is really worth the effort.

just some pet peeve which sometimes annoys me really bad which are selfish people who live in a world which only evolves around themselves. prob this is the grown up world. or prob they're lucky to have a lot of people with high tolerance by their side hence they're spoilt. they're always a saying that some people only grew younger as they aged. their mind so stuck up with no logic or conscience. forever expecting others to change for them, just like waiting for money to fall from sky. maybe at some point of my immaturity i was like that. maybe I might yet to completely drop of that bad trait. but lucky me I know my mistake and is trying to change.

and also maybe lucky me, thanks to the existance of such people in my life, Im slowly .. tho very very slowly developing a higher patience level, slowly gaining tolerance. I like people like that. I feel happy when Im around them. and thinking back about those sweet memories when these people are by my side bring smiles to my face. and I wanna be like that. so just taking a step at a time. to be more like you, less like me :)

cheers~

Sun Salutation

2010-08-12T02:13:00.001+08:00

Inhale raise your hands up arch back.
exhale bend forward, catch your ankles, head touching knees.
inhale right leg back, look up chin up hip further down to the floor.
exhale left leg back to the plank position. breathe breathe breathe.
knees down, toes straight, chest down chin down.
inhale move forward chin up to the cobra pose, elbows bend closer to the body.
exhale lift up your hips up to the downward facing dog. heels touching the floor, shoulder further in.
inhale right leg forward, look up chin up hips further down to the floor.
exhale bring your left leg forward hands catching your ankles head closer to the knees.
inhale rise up hands up arch back.

ok exhale second round ..

I could almost memorize his scripts .. and Im not ashamed of it ^^

Empty Shell

2010-07-28T16:10:00.000+08:00

if you think I dont know
if you think I'd never find out
then you're wrong.

just bcoz you dont talk. it doesnt mean the other party wont.
people lies. but if news are almost as close as you can get to first handed, makes you wonder who's the liar.

if to love, is not to feel hurt, or anything at all.
then an empty shell is what you'd get ..

Yours truly,
Me

1 year anniversary - CP journals 1: From KL - Tokyo - Cleveland - Sandusky

2010-05-11T15:24:00.002+08:00

today marks the one year anniversary of the day I step foot into sandusky.

I still remember the day, May 9th 2009, when my parents and best friend mandy Q sent me off at KLIA. I also remembered calling Raymond to get my topup pin bcoz my phone has no credit, and I really need it when roaming in case of emergency. there I was, panicked .. and it was Rayman to rescue. and then I was sitting by the departure hall. and I saw the 100ml carry on liquids and felt another sense of panic. and Jason Tong called from China to say goodbye. well under his persuasion I managed to sneak in those liquids and felt proud of being able to smuggle thru the customs.

some pics I took during the excitement in this post.

you see it was my first time going so far. and alone. Im excited for it. maybe a bit scared. but I guess the excitement got the better side of me.

first time having on board food. which was good. I ate all of it. met a really nice lady who was sitting next to me. I felt bad I kept interupting her sleep bcoz I had to use the restroom. I was too excited and also afraid of dehydration so I kept asking for free juices. tee hee. and when we arrived. she gave me 1000 yen (approx 10usd) for lunch, bcoz I had 8 hrs to kill and no yen with me.

so I arrived in japan. wanted to take a train to the city, but it was wayyy out of my budget. so I was wondering in n out of the airport. the confined smoking area. the cute food models outside each restaurant. carefully planning for how I was gonna spend my 1000 yen. Im just like a little kid in a candy store at japan. everything just seem so amazing. so different. they have super 6 7 8 9 exp sushi pendrive in stores. yummy looking but I doubt it taste as good as it looks bento sets. their vending machine look so colorful and pretty. looking at the place just made me happy ^^

and then I finally decide how I was gonna spend my 1000 yen. it was lost. no longer in my pocket :(

hrmm so no lunch. I was wandering around for like 4 hrs. walking in circles. tired. my bag too heavy. and I think I've explored every inch of the airport. time to go in. this time they found my liquids. no escape for that. thank god the people in the airport was nice. too sweet. the gave me a box to check it. i love them. how come we dont get airport service like that here. hrmpf.

thru the castam gates. you see many designers shops. hahaha Im back to being a kid in a candy store. just window shopping at each corner. wanted to go online but the lappie wouldnt work. and the PCs they have costs money :(

and then I got on board the plane to chicago. the guy who was sitting next to me, was from canada. i think he thinks Im very jakun for taking pics of my food on board. american airlines stewardess are so different from asian stewardess. they're fat. and not very friendly. I mean they are friendly, but they tell you to self service with a smile. hrmmm..

couldnt really sleep much on board
too excited
not from kl-tokyo, not from tokyo-chicago.
occasionally i look out of the window. and was too amazed by the snowflakes that forms between the window glass. and also the spread out clouds across canadian skies. awesome really.

arrived chicago May 10th 2009, had to wait for another transit to Cleveland airport .. which was pretty quick actually. this time the plane I got on was super small. hrmm they only have like what, 3 seats each row? and prob 25 rows? hahaha. I dont think got such small planes around here.

an hour later I arrived Cleveland. omg SCARY LIKE HELL OK! airport damn empty. almost nobody. feel like you're stranded in the middle of no where ..
sky getting dark. thank god I've done my homework, so I know where I should be heading to. took RTA (like KTM) to downtown. it was like, 8pm. but it was already dark. and quiet. just a few people here and there. and so I start on my journey to look for the amtrak station. it's 10 mins walk. but it took me 90 mins to get there. when I arrived it was already 10pm. my bags were so freaking heavy i have to drag them all over. and since nobody knew the existance of the place, nobody could direct me there. seriously? it's just like there, around the corner, and nobody knew about it. not even the policeman. it didnt even show up on his gps. so really wtf? but thank god for city maps at each corner of the street. I managed to find my way there.

it just started to drizzle as I was 2 mins from the station, so god arent I lucky. it was so chilly. and the wind. I love it. but I guess I miss the warmth too. I remember going out for some fresh air, and almost freezing to death. I have 7 hrs to kill. then came a guy, he told me his stories. he went non stop. I was just listening to his adventures. god knows if they're real. something about him biking from dunno where to dunno where in such cold weather but it was fun n adventurous. and lotsa shit I cant remember.

finally embarked onto train to sandusky. and it was oh-so-comfy. bcoz I was super sleepy. need rest. didnt sleep much on plane. and the chairs at train station werent exactly comfy. plus I was afraid I might miss my train. so yeah.

next chapter. arrival at sandusky

bcoz this is my blog I'd bitch all I want when I wanto

2010-05-10T10:35:00.003+08:00

you have to seize the moment when it's time.
else when it's gone .. it's for good.
i knew it 2 yrs ago. but I couldnt help keeping on hope. for small thoughts and fantasies made up my day, kept me happy.
the sparks were gone. there were lack of conversation. but everything else still feel the same. how he tease. how we whisper. how his warm arm felt next to mine. when the shoulders used to touch the first time, I had wished it to be more than just sitting next to each other innocently. and how Im sure he felt the same way. I stopped feeling that way. and I know it's the same for him. and memories of the undertable kicking we used to do. brings a sad smile to my face. smile bcoz it was a happy memory. sad bcoz it was the past.

2 yrs ago was the day I started my internship. and today is his turn.
ahhh the happy times. always wish I could turn back time. and relive that moment.
bcoz I still remember the day he wave goodbye. and later sending me a text about the message he left in my book.

hrmmmmm
on a separate note. Im gonna bitch about my pet peeve bcoz I was so upset last weekend. u see. one thing I absolutely hate is, guys who play behind their gfs. which ppl would say, of coz wat, coz they wont get to play in front of their gfs, it's not allowed! seriously. then why get a gf. i cant stand ppl who are not loyal. my heart cries out for these ppl. and it pisses me off.

burgh. I really thought he was a nice guy. I mean I enjoy the text. and would like to know him better. not that I really liked him. I just enjoyed the company when I couldnt sleep at night. and so when he was away, I was sad. bcoz there wont be ppl to talk to me at night. and he ... was bloody flirting with me when he has a gf. wtf. I mean it's okay for me to flirt back bcoz Im single and all. but him, being in a relationship and all. i seriously look down at this kinda guy. appears single so he could still go around hunting. I know it was too good to be true for him to be single. and Im BLOODY RIGHT. and people knows. but they also see the flirting between us and decided to keep all the information by themselves. gah.

something is just so fucking wrong with this society.
men pissed me off.
I think I'd either be a lesbo. or die a virgin

Monday Tuesday W T F ..

2010-05-02T21:25:00.002+08:00

you know how everyone dreads sundays and loves fridays bcoz weekend is ending and weekend is coming.

me for one feels the opposite for I always haf a horrible feeling my weekends are always screwed. I haf chores. or it's something I look forward for and ended up with millions of disappointment.

and so they're rarely good. tho I do enjoy the time off sleeping late and stuff. I hate the fact that I dont have something to look forward to. like. work. hahaha. seems funny. but work keeps me focus. sometimes I might not like what Im doing, (well that's bcoz of gandhi) but if u minus that, I kinda love my job.

and so this weekend is another piece of shit. I went for a wedding dinner which I knew nobody. the bride was pretty and sweet. they've been dating for 11 years. so I think it's pretty impressive. it's always like that, clean cut nerdy guy gets the hottest chick. I dig guys like that too to be frank. lol.

was bloody ffk-ed by the same person for 5 millions times on the same day. u know it's like something have to come up last minute and I have to compromise in between. feels like Im on the waiting list crap. seriously? 2nd class treatment. bcoz I aint no first class citizen.

I was feeling so bloody pissed off that I just cut off all outing with everybody at the end of it bcoz. Im miserable and bitter. just feel like hiding in the bed. away from people bcoz their attitude pisses me off. not like mine doesnt piss them off. urgh it's just something we all have to learn how to deal with every now and then.
right now ... just wtf

and to be watching leechers doing their work, and their host happily having their blood sucked. that disgust me. it adds on to the hate I have for this world. and thanks to you for contributing it. and it's not like you would care bcoz we're totally no connections in anyway for you to even mind that I do.

screw the weekend. thank god when I wake up tmr, it's back to work

The Joys of Not Having It All

2010-04-23T17:08:00.002+08:00

I dont know if you notice, but I think I reflect on my life a lot. hahha actually that's just a nice way of putting things. some others would just say Im thinking too much nonsense ..

but seriously, sometimes we get too caught up in life, we stopped thinking. like we worked hard for something and we gotten some positive results, and so we worked harder. and we're so busy in chasing for things in life, we're too busy to consciously understand what we're doing and why we're doing it ..

and so I like to spend moments reflecting on life. reflect on happenings, the reason, cause and effect shit. and how to make it better in future. and if it is a mistake I have been doing, stop it. take a step back from life, and look at the result.

just like if you're painting a mural. cant keep painting. have to take a break and see how is the effects of your painting. and how to improve it. bcoz when you're standing at such a close distance, it's hard to look at the bigger picture.

and I think it's what all of us need to do, take a step back in life, and reflect on what you've done, and is the present what you are expecting for, and if no, what have gone wrong. and sometimes, also to understand why we dont have it all.

I mean I know many people who are not living their ideal life, myself included. it's your choice to whine and cry about it and make all your friends hate you for being the bitch. or to look at the good side of things and be content bout life. well I hate my life (what's new?), but Im starting to feel less miserable compared to how I used to be. life had not improved, neither had it gotten worse. but it's me who had changed. bcoz it's a path I had chosen. some others might have influenced my choice, but the decision is still mine. and thus I should stop bitching about it.

it's a very cliche talk. but shouldnt we ask wat do we have to offer in life, rather than what life has to offer us?

we might not have everything we want in life. we might look at many people we know and wonder, why dont we own what they have and even feel the envy. sometimes we work hard and not achieve certain things which other people have without a sweat. and feel like it's not fair.

but my friends, to be miserable or be happy. it's your choice.

it your choice to look thru that narrow slit, and see nothing, or push yourself to open the door and see more things.

it's also your choice on whether you should extract positivity or negativity out of your daily happenings.

whether to make things happen, or just dreaming about it forever, it's up to you.

and so one day I might end up feeling murky again, but after a while, I take a step back to reflect on my life, and remember what I have written today.

having it all. doesnt necessarily make you happy.
sometimes you want something so bad, worked hard to achieve it, just to realise it's not what you really wanted.

In a blink of an eye.

2010-04-01T20:10:00.002+08:00

baby I love you, but please, this is a chance for me. dont make me choose between you and her

why? coz you'd choose her?

yeah I'd choose her ..

and this is all how it ended .. ultimatum over trivial issues.

Of Love and Lust

2010-03-31T22:12:00.002+08:00

maybe some girlfriends would tell you this:

If sex was good the first time, it would probably get better. If it was great the first time, it would go downhill. But mostly if the sex was really great, the best sex you'd had in your life, it meant the two people should be together..

but seriously ?
to men, they love sex. But great sex doesnt mean that they wanted to marry you. Great sex no longer held any implications for them. It was only that: great sex.

and that girl friends. is the ugly truth.

I dont want tonite to end!
the clock can fast forward everynight but tonight it had to stop! :(
bcoz after tonight it's gonna be 2.5 weeks lonely nights. I just cant imagine. man I wish I could be touring around and having fun, but gandhi had expectations for me .. I gotta work on the staircase the architects screwed up. man seriously .. Im glad Im not dating an architect. one of the world greatest dumbass.

fsc

Of Pillows and Muscles

2010-03-29T09:05:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to: If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland feat Kate Perry

blogging from work bcoz Im in a cherry mood. gandhi still isnt here. and so no more new task for the week.

the weekend was good. had some series of misfortunate. but none of them can beat my joy. it's like even a good thing can be extracted from a bad event. and Im feeling just like how the song. of coz olivia ong from the weekend still plays in my mind occasionally. but everytime I hear the song it makes me happy. bcoz you make me happy ^^

Im just randomly writing things about the things I like. How to Court Sue 101. lol. doesnt work for everyone, but if you're on my good side .. these are the things which definitely adds up your points.

And so pillows and muscle.

I just find it sweet how some guys have pillows in car. for their girls' passenger. I know it's not just for me. and many other girls have touched it before I do. but I have a soft spot for comfy pillows. hahaha I once receive a pillow for bday present bcoz I sleep in class so much. and how I bring pillows to school and everyone wanna steal my pillow. it melts my heart when you share your comfy smelly pillow with me. I dont have my own so I love your smelly pillow ^^ haha something in common between the past few people I have dated. and up til today, hugging your pillow to sleep is the only times I fall asleep with ease. with the nightmares, sometimes I dont wanna sleep. or maybe sometimes Im staying up just to hear the jay chow piano ringtone ;)

which makes me wonder if he owns a smelly pillow. hehe.

everybody knows I like slit eyes. well yes. I like looking at them. I have been dating a couple people with big eyes and I found myself ever in love as well. and the second thing I eye for in a guy is his arms. I just have a fetish for biceps. I mean I blush when I saw the muscles. it's just something I like. hahaha my ex-bf was pretty lembik and I wasnt that into him like I was into guys with biceps.

I like it when he carries me. I like it when he piggy bags me. until now Im pretty amazed that someone of my muscle size can carry someone as big as me. Im addicted to being carried ;)

another thing I like to do is poking the arm. it sends adrenaline down my spine. lol.

and also how those arms feel around you. muscular chest could be a plus point sometimes too becoz I like the way my face feel on the chest. serious. is like if u know the country got terrorist and you have such guy hugging you. and you know he's gonna be taking care of you. reminds me of how he always took care of me. making sure Im nvr cold at night. I eat well. hrmm

i have a girlfriend who has not been smiling happy for a while. when asked why is she sad she claims that she's down bcoz nobody wants her. she's pretty .. a good personality. and if Im a guy I wanna go out with her. but possibly bcoz most people she knows is either married or attached. I have a feeling Im heading down that way too.

Im happy april is here. or rather near. have been waiting ages to make that phone call. I guess the worries will end when the time is up, and answer is solve.

gandhi is finally here. ok Im back to work. but work is probably gonna be easy coz he barely slept and prob he's leaving home soon. and I'd be looking forward bed time tonight :)

Love Shack ~

2010-03-28T20:15:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to: Love Shack - B52

This song kept playing on my mind .. I have no idea why .. just kept remembering the days when I was in jewellery cart .. or that night in vegas where they have their karaoke night .. or how sometimes the people from johnny rockets would dance to the song.

and I feel like Im heading to the love shack baby love shack!

hahahahha

not too long back, a friend reminded me of what I was. I mean he was just telling me something random about how he would hate his father for the rest of his life if he were to marry the woman who broke his family. and I was thinking that Im just the same. I would hate the person who has a relationship with the woman who broke mine as well. and the hate would go so bad that I wouldnt even mind if he disappear from my life. but before that, I assure you that I would try my ultimate best to "wish them happily ever after".

oh Im such a hater.
and Im so evil.

coz the love shack is a little old place where we can get together .....
love shack bay beeeeeee

Babies

2010-03-26T22:10:00.003+08:00

I love them.
yet I hate them.
it's complicated.

they're cute and all. but sometimes their entertainment value is just .. limited. and I lost interest. but every now and then I still miss them. and think about them. and want their presence ..

they're innocent. small lil things make them happy. like hiding behind the pillow and appearing moments later ..

I envy them. Im jealous about how they can easily fake a cry. while it takes me to hurt real bad to cry. and then Im also jealous about how easily they smile after crying, and after wiping away those tears, nobody knew that they just cried. while it takes me A LOT of time to smile from my heart again, and people always know when I do. unless I hide myself for hours after I cry.

or possibly how everyone loves them. without even trying. and how it's getting harder to stay on somebody's good side when they're constantly judging you. unless you're perfect. and that too they'll still hate you bcoz you are perfect.

or how they always get what they want bcoz adults want them to be happy. while as you grow up people expect you to shove the demands up your ass and make do with what you have. it's like a sin to even ask. and if you be bold enough to ask, it's like you're asking to be slapped in the face. they reject you, further bruising your ego. and you're supposed to swallow them up. while all babies need to do is cry. and they get whatever. like literally.

I miss baby. he's cute. everyone loves him.
I just wished he liked me more :(

Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night 2

2010-03-22T14:30:00.001+08:00

I guess I finally found out the answer people are looking for.

You need to turn your heart cold. Be selfish and think life is all about yourself. To be and act stupid and to not realise what impacts your actions has on others. Be ignorant to others' sufferings and always believe the buck doesnt stop here. bcoz they always say if you dont realise you're making a mistake, you're not making the mistake. u cant achieve that status when u have too much compassion, thus u haf to have a cold heart.

It also helps if you look at things at the "bright" side. like if u kill someone u need to believe it's for the better good. like doings god's job or something liddat. that kinda stuff

His trial is next month. Unfortunately his lawyer sucks so he cant be bailed. and although he's innocent, those people doesnt care. The verdict of the case is 100% dependant on the judge, and the judge is not a nice person. I can only imagine the hell he has been thru for the last 2 weeks. I hope everything goesn on well.

Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night

2010-03-16T09:53:00.002+08:00

I believe in god. but not in a religion. and I've seen many people who were once "lost" now felt so much more "guided" in life with a whole new perspective of what's life have to hold.

dont get me wrong Im not starting to grow faith in religion, but Im just wondering if having faith in one gonna do me any difference. seeing too many things and wondering what lies on the road ahead for me if I choose the same path. bcoz the journey for each individual is unique, no two person have been thru the same situation experiencing the same emotions.

and the reason I bring out the issue god is bcoz of anger, I was so determined to do something really mean. I have it on my mind all week, and I almost got to doing it. with so much hate n grudge in me, I just couldnt care less if Im not being nice anymore. dont care if Im not being myself. dont care about the negative damage Im about to cause although Im aware of it. haha possibly bcoz I intentionally want the damage to happen ?

and then some news came to me. I found out he was in jail. something happened, and he is jailed. still is and prob would be staying there a couple months til things get sorted out. and it's complicated.

I felt sad hearing about it. and it hurts to hear him going thru a bad phase in life. I wish I could do something to help but there's nothing I can do. and that made me felt horrible.

I dont hate him. I never had any negative feelings towards him. never ever had I wished misfortunes to land on him bcoz however sad I was, he didnt hurt me. although he was the cause for an old wound, it wasnt done intentionally. things just happened, and reality bites. I was hurt. but he was never to blame.

and it made me wonder. would things be any different today if it got ugly back then? would I be glad he's in jail? answer is no. I would still feel sorry.

and so lucky for those assholes. I decided to be nice and keep your dirty lil secrets. and thought of doing something more "angelic" to make up for my sinful thoughts which nobody would have known had I not shared here today.

and then my mind drifted off to another thought. thru out these quarter decade in my life. I havent really hated anyone. or prayed for misfortunes to happen onto them. I think... the most is probably just wishing I would never see them for the rest of my life bcoz they're bad for the soul. hahaha ok fine Im sorry I probably did curse their life for not being smooth flowing n all bcoz they deserved to go thru shit for all they've done. but I never wished anyone dead, raped, robbed, conned, wat-so-eva crap. and seeing the childish post by a minor recently wishing her mum dead. that is just so wrong.

so to whoever with whatever bad intentions to whoever. Im just waiting for karma to unfold while I lay back, sit tight, and enjoy the show. HAHAHAHAHA. and if you're fine with all the evil thoughts at night and that makes you sleep soundly. HAHAHAHAHA. or if you've gotten your sweet blissful revenge and felt guilt free about it. seriously .. think whatever helps you sleep at night. but only you know what's going on.

on a separate note. I woke up this morning with a familiar feeling. it's not something good, but at least it's making me cheery ..

slept at 530am last night. woke up sooooo late, and the split second I opened my eyes I felt myself being transported back to Bayside 803, the only day when I had a no call no show. and the first thing that came onto mind is "FML". lol. had a tiring day at work, had a good night after work n slept late. maybe 4ish. was supposed to be at work at 645, but woke up at 11am. hahahaha. but after hanging around for another hour it's the lunch time that I look forward to everyday, so that made me happy again. and unlike the past, I wasnt that late. prob just <30 mins to work. so it wasnt that bad.

gonna be sleepy head all day. zuzuzu. i look like shit and I have no idea why did I bother to wear one of my best looking work clothes today when it totally didnt fit the way I look.

hahah I know too much random musings. I better stop here :)
and I hope you sleep well tonite :)

Can beggars be choosers ?

2010-03-09T23:17:00.002+08:00

When you are in need for somebody, do you take just anybody? can you?

I was listening to fly.fm just now and a girl just call bcoz she was desperate for a guy. any guy. bcoz she has a reunion soon, and since all her friends are attached and so so lied about seeing somebody, but there was nobody at all. and so basil and hafiz randomly called some guy, and hook her up. well I guess right now they gonna start off as facebook friends first .. and .. I really have no idea what's gonna happen next.

you could tell Im murky from the way I write. and the depressing thoughts. and the topics I talked about. prob left my heart in san fransisco like many people did. bcoz that was the place I have my last fun in life .. cycling by golden gate bridge. walking by the beautiful pier. watching live american gigs. also where I had the last moment of peace in my life. drinking coffee at ghirardelli. watching different walks in life. simple but fun chats with random strangers.

I came back with an empty soul. and how Im left with nothingness here. and can no longer be myself. environment changed me for the worse, and I hate it.

and being so murky like that, frankly speaking, Im desperate for somebody who is willing to love me. to fill up my empty soul. to make life happy again. to give a meaning to life.

but .. even is there is somebody, could I really take anybody? so ironic. Im the desperate one here. and yet wanting to be so picky.

was watching grey's anatomy too. when Yang said "It's like friends with benefits. Without the benefits." when describing his relationship with Hunt. and I could totally relate. it's like you're not willing to commit in a relationship, but the fact that someone is more than willing to be there for you to hold you up during your down times.

Malaysian society had always viewed hugs as a form of intimacy between couples. but seriously, hugs are just simple gestures to make you feel warm and comforting. I enjoy his hugs and am glad for the fact that he wasnt trying anything silly with me. but I dont wanna be sending the wrong signals or be fooling around with any feelings.

My opinion bout the topic. no beggars cant be choosers. they could request for options, but if they get turned down, they would just have to be content with whatever that was given. and that's that.

When You're Sick and Dying

2010-03-08T15:51:00.002+08:00

I wonder who would be by my bedside to take care of me.
I wonder how many hospital visits would I get from people who would be hoping to catch me one last time.
and among these people, I wonder who would come every day, so they could get the most of me before Im gone.
wonder who is there to make me smile when Im crying
or hug me when Im feeling down.

Random Musings

2010-03-04T19:14:00.003+08:00

I was looking at the through the windows behind my office
startings at the condos.
they look nice.
my office is on the fourth storey, even then the view is pretty neat. you can see quite far, observe many lil things around you.
and I was thinking, it would be nice to stay at such places.
I've always been staying at low buildings all my life. cant see much from the first floor. I used to stay on the third floor back in campus. hrmm, nothing much to observe as my room is facing the hills, always see the boys coming back from gym, and also the monkey foolings around. oh well, those were the times. nothing much can be seen from behind my window.

but. I doubt I can.
part of me feels that if one day I go crazy I might just jump down from there.
oh well. idk.

feeling sad.
dont know what to do.
sometimes feel like I care for others too much
I listen to them too much I dont have opinions of my own.
there's always reason or ways to be unhappy over whatever I do
in the end. cant do anything but stay home be miserable. go work n be stressful.
that's all I can do.
it's a tough world we're living in.
welcome to adulthood.

The Meaning of Life

2010-03-03T00:54:00.000+08:00

I was chatting with my mum earlier.
about my chats with a coursemate.
generally just catching up on life.

and wondering, what is life about .. the meaning to life?
just in such a state of depression, bcoz as you step into adulthood, you feel that life has no meaning. nothing to look forward to, unlike school times.

while you're still a student, your teachers pushes you towards your exams, so you would fare well and be a useful person when you grow up ..
and so you aim towards it .. kinda.
and when the exams come, you look forward to the holidays, a nice fun break after the hard work.
or maybe sometimes you look forward to school the next day, seeing your friends, or the guy you had a crush on for ages.
small lil things like that.
your friends are so alike you, you guys have so much fun, everybody had so much time to spare with each other, the lonely days were minimal

but as you grow up, everyone gained responsibilities, from relationship, job n family.
friends spend less time with each other, having different priorities now.
and .. there is really nothing to look forward in life.

i feel very sad since I came back from the US.
i lost the one thing that kept me going.
and right now Im just like a robot.
i keep looking for the old things that used to keep me going, but they're all different now.
so different that they no longer serves as a motivation anymore.

Im tied of between having a career (which is the only reason why Im still around) with a journey of self discovery.
and I really could not decide

my mother says that earning money to live a better life should be a motivation.
finding a bf.
building my own family.
yes yes.
and that too.
but that would only come into mind when there is somebody special in life who feels the same way.
Im happy with the little money I make.
I dont need to spend much money.
and I dont.
and the thing about sharing life with someone special, you cant really force it when it's not there ..
many people searched all the lives for the soul mate, n never found them ..
why should something so indecisive be a motivation?
how could it ..

so back to speaking about my dreams ..
if you dream about something so impossible, due to the circumstances around you ..
then it's not something that would come true.
I use to dream about being a stewardess.
but as I grow, it's not a realistic career with the so-called intelligence I have and not something "professional"
and so that dream was forgotten.

at age 25, I have many choices I could make, each path making a huge difference to my life when Im 30.
and Im not sure if Im doing the right thing.
not sure if I can afford to pay the price.
and my mind is not thinking right.
not when Im not feeling sane.
not when Im in a depression.
not when sometimes I feel like ending the no meaning in life.

Im sorry to have used you.
I hung onto you as my meaning to life since I came home.
and so I couldnt let you go.
bcoz it meant losing the only meaning in life to me.
I realise my mistake.
it's probably wrong to be hopping.
I know it is
but I guess I have no choice to hop on another "you"

Expired Goods

2010-01-27T22:20:00.002+08:00

When something is due, it is meant to be thrown. things which are due, not meant to be consumed past its time. It was due, but it still look pretty much the same to me. After consumption, brings shit in your life. like literally diarrhoea shit. fml

p/s: it applies to everything, not only products

Same Old Brand New Me

2010-01-26T19:32:00.003+08:00

as I grow up, I see changes in people around me. I watch all my friends grow, and possibly me growing with them as well. emotionally I still feel the same. everytime I read the "About Me" in blogger, I still feel that those were the words that describe me perfectly. and mind you that was written when I started blogging, possibly 7 yrs ago. I always feel that Im the type of person who would never change, Im still me 10 yrs ago. I look the same. I think the same. well you get my point right?

but after many days of pondering, I realise how different I am as time flies. small lil things that you see in me and fall in love for, you prob dont see that anymore now. I think I used to be more open to myself, and right now Im just restraining myself from having a life. I am miserable. I wanto miserable. god knows what for.

thinking back my life. I miss the campfire days. I miss the courtship times. I miss meeting new people. and Im not doing much if any of all that. dont get me wrong, I would still love to do all that. go on dates, flirt with guys, meet new people .. but I just .. you can say lost the mood for it.

courtship .. it's hard for me to fall in love. and sometimes when I do, there is absolutely no reason why. but i love the process. how someone just see through all your flaws (assuming that they saw any) and love you for who you are. dont have to put on an act to please. and yet they absolutely adore you. and they say + do the things that makes you feel happy. the words of flattery makes you feel good. Im not a person with a high self esteem. some of my closest friends probably thought I have none bcoz Im always so negative about myself. but these ppl who are so called very much in love with you bring you up from the deepest trough to cloud 9. they make you feel good about yourself.

and the meeting new people part. it's fun bcoz everyone is different, and they have so many stories about their life. which makes it interesting. I enjoy working at the clinic bcoz I get to observe different types of people daily, and so many of them are just so willing to share their life stories with me. it just gives me an insight from the nutshell Im living in. so it's all good.

I think the reason most relationships fail is because so many people have forgotten what real love is. Are you there for each other even when it's hard? Or only when it's convenient? Do you bring out the best in each other? Or does being with them slowly make it harder for you to look in the mirror? Do they accept your... flaws or criticize you? And that goes for friends and family too.

Robyn Moore

my friend posted that on facebook just the other day. I find it so true. it's just so hard to be stepping into a relationship when you're feeling so insecure. that you dont know if the person is in for it for the good times and the bad times, or they just wanna be in a relationship so they can spend happy times with you and then say goodbye when bad times come.

in the modern society, it is so true. an unhappy marriage can easily be lead to a divorce. and people are so casual about it. unlike olden times, where divorce is a taboo. and if things doesnt work out .. people try even harder to work things out. I wanna work things out and be happy and sad with someone I love. but .. the big question lies on the other person .. and if he feels the same way like I do.

and when you stop believing in real love, true love. you stop looking. or maybe you're always looking back that you wont even notice the new doors which are opened up for you. and even if you do you'd be too afraid to look through the door for you might not be able to see much through it .. and you'd never have the courage to walk through it, so why bother feeling intrigue.

growing up as a teen listening to all the happy and sad love songs. I feel like I can always relate to them. like all the songs are describing a particular chapter in my life. or maybe I secretly wish someone would sing the song for me. you know it's always about me. being perasan la of coz. but recently I have been listening to the radio observing the lyrics, and sadly I no longer feel like how I do back in high school. and there is just wayy too many songs about partying til the morning comes having sex being scandalous etc. lol.

so I guess, I still feel the same way like how I used to. the grown up me is just being more coward, afraid to be looking, afraid to open up, afraid to be hurt. I guess just adapting to the ever changing society with my old ways. so yeah same old brand new me.

Walking in 2010

2009-12-31T08:01:00.002+08:00

I dont usually do new year's resolution.

bcoz I feel I never had the discipline to get things done ..

my 'tidak apa' attitude has made me feel like there is nothing which I would die with or without.

but ..

in the coming year, Im a quarter century old.

it's about time when I grow up.

Im no longer a student.

responsibilities building up on me ..

no longer able to avoid the coming world.

I can run but not hide.

I actually pre-type this in a notepad file.

internet isnt working.

ps2 is locked in dad's room.

westward IV is bugged.

basically nothing for me to do.

and Im not in the mood to read.

and so I took the earpiece and was listening to the radio since the longest time ever.

brings me back to the times when I was lying on my bed in campus ..

brings me back to those uni days.

how I always listen to the radio before I fall asleep.

how much I love the music

all the happy and sad songs

how I attached my emotions to each song

or during the exam period

where the music temporarily remove my mind off the books

music my only entertainment when there was no others.

so here's my list of new year resolution.

my first list ever.

this time next year, I would remember to look back at this list and see what had I achieve

Get a job before February ends.

Start taking Operasi Tak Nak more seriously. yups I have to learn to say no to everything which is bad for me. fatty food (I miss my bod when I was in US !!), lazyness, sloppyness, etc. u get my picture. no more reasons. no more excuses. just get it done.

stop being too expressive. one thing I realise ever since I came back from US is that I became more expressive towards little things. over expressive that sometimes people get offended by it. I mean people just dont need to know about the small thoughts which you wont even bother to remember.

learn how to drive. I dont mind the buses and trains, but just for emergency purposes.

learn how to cook without guide by my side. with my mum's condition getting worse by day, I feel like Im the only hope in the family. but I guess the challenge is figuring out what to cook everyday.

Have more dignity in life. I learnt how to be shameless while I was away. it's time to get back to my asian roots.

put aside at least 1k of my soon-to-earned-salary. 500 to save. 500 for family.

stop being too selfish. should stop doing the things I do without taking people's feelings into consideration just bcoz I dont care about what they think about me. I should. first impression is important in the coming world to face.

not to lose my personality in the process of supressing the negativity. not to be wearing masks, not to be fake.

10.

maintain 120 pounds.

maybe achieve 115.

11.

go for body check up. also get those mammograms, pap smear, etc done. watever a lady needs to do. 2009 is the most unhealthy year ever.

12.

find time for yoga.

13.

instill the habit of using moisturizer.

14.

sleep at right hours.

2009 had been awesome.

I had my down times.

but I had wonderful people by my side.

I might never ever talk/see some of them in my life.

but I would never forget the footsteps they left in my heart.

regardless the goods or bad. I love you all. that includes you pooh.

that's all folks.

happy 2010 ^^

Temptations

2009-12-29T15:34:00.002+08:00

Sometimes ..

the devil like to seduce you ..
to do things against your ethics
to be the person you hate

like some unknown buttons screaming 'Press Me!'
and u know it's hard to resist

sometimes you dont wanto
but u just hafto

they say what you dont know wont hurt you.
but
Im always hungry for knowledge.
truth hurts.
but it only made me stronger.

very out of topic, back to the button ..

Im still looking at it.
saliva dripping, not literally but u get the picture
Im not that strong
my will power has been weak.
finger reaching out.
just yet to reach n finally press it

The List

2009-12-22T18:50:00.002+08:00

Im typing this in a sad manner.

feeling hurt.

as if the past had came back to haunt me.

and it did.

hrmm .. I dont know if I can manage to get the point across at the end of the post, but read on.

so why the list ?

most normal people, me being the exception bcoz Im not very normal, knows what to look for in the one. there is something in the opposite sex which attracts, beauty inside/out which only thou can feel. and you know it. so we made a list of what we like.

for typical girls, maybe we want a rich man, romantic, understanding, always there for your needs, good looking, nice abs, able to do chin ups (ok fine the chin ups is just me >< ), etc ..

for guys, maybe all they wanted is just someone with a great body, long hair, big eyes, provides good sex, not too intelligent, attentive, bla bla bla ..

so we all have a list. kinda.

and one of the most common things in the list the boys have is the physical appearance. all boys wanna date girls that looks like a supermodel. my thai gf once told me. the idea of a pretty girl in bangkok is someone petite, fair, long hair. and when you fits all 3 criteria, you're almost perfect. almost. every guy would like to get underneath your pants. whether do they wanna stay there for a while, it depends on ur attitude. doh

ok Im getting to the point.

about how the past is coming back to haunt me.

the problem is.

Im no where near a supermodel.

never was.

never will be (or so I think)

in fact I was so so much the opposite when I was young.

as much as I would love to forget it, I cant.

how everyone was teasing me for being big.

how all my friends were midgets. and Im the odd one out.

how I never had a bf bcoz the boys never look at me twice due to my size, as compared to the people around me.

small lil things like I've always wished my boobs were smaller bcoz they were being made fun of when I was young. and now Im grown, they're still being made fun of for not being big enuff. it's sad.

and then sometimes I watch movies, about how it doesnt matter how fat people are fat bcoz deep down inside they are so much better. and how thin people do fall in love with them for their personality. and when you tell yourself that movies never tell the truth, you go out and see fat people having the rights to date as well. hearing stories about someone fat you know found a bf who loves fucking her. you tell yourself that maybe .. some boys are just being jerks. and you just need to give it someone before the one pops.

as I grow, I didnt lose weight. but the people around me put on weight, thus making me look normal. and then those unwanted events stop happening. I mean I no longer fits in the category fat. but am just average. I think.

but some boys being boys. still wanting to date supermodels. instead of dreaming of the ordinary size, they still wanna date someone who looks anorexic.

and last night, some insensitive jerk was just telling me about how awesome it would have been if I was 20 pounds lighter.

I know I get that all the time. makes you wonder what type of people I talk to right?

makes me miss the states where Im considered small.

times when although my boobs were small the boys still love it.

and how some boys rather fuck someone fat than flirt with me.

it's this place. and me. the combination creates a deadly mood

The Girlfriend ..

2009-12-17T18:53:00.002+08:00

She's not very pretty ..

but ..

very sweet looking.

very pleasant smile.

you can tell she has a great personality beneath the charming smile.

someone nobody can say 'no' to.

and

Im jealous.

I am

What A Way .. To Die

2009-11-23T02:42:00.002+08:00

I was reading some old news, about how a lady committed suicide by drinking pesticide, along with her 2 children. reason: she was devastated her brother was shot in a robbery, and she didnt wanna live anymore.

I dont know what is she thinking. sure it is a pain to lose someone you love dearly. but if you dont wanna live, you cant force others to leave with you can you?

hrmm .. of coz natural death is the best way to leave. how you just dont wake up after you sleep one day. such peace. you probably dont even realise you gone ..

but if you're gonna force death.

I dont know. everything seems freaky. you know dying isnt really so easy. there isnt any easy way to leave this place.

take drinking pesticide for example. before you literally die. you have to go thru the pain of your organs failure.

or maybe if you're gonna jump down from klcc. you would be so smashed. you probably dont have a face at the end of it. painful. but I doubt you'd live long enuff to feel the pain. so it's just plain ugly.

or maybe the classic sleeping pills overdosage which causes you to puke white bubbles. chances of you not dying is super high. and after that, you're left with hospital bills.

well the most painless way ever. poisonous smoke/gas. but it also probably took the longest. and you have to bare with smelling bad odors for a while before you finally fainted.

another all times fav, slitting the wrists. in my opinion, this is probably the easiest one for me. one only had to endure momentarily pain when the cut is performed, and after that .. it's just .. i think for as long as you dont move your hand you should be fine. but it does takes a while before you lose too much blood. so you have to make sure nobody is home. but then again. the blood might get messy. so isnt a good choice either.

I dont know. couldnt really think of much.

but taking your life away isnt something easy to do.

takes a lot of courage to literally end it.

and a person with such low pain tolerance like myself would possibly be a pussy for life when it comes to committing suicide.

A sad thing & a happy thing

2009-09-07T02:01:00.003+08:00

I prob never really told you this. and I prob watch too much movies as well ..

but I always have a feeling inside my heart that one day we both would meet up somewhere after some long time not contacting each other, and like how it always was in the movies, the relationship would somehow start anew.

Im just sad to find out that it is probably a very very idealistic dream, that would not come true. sad to admit I was wrong, sad I cant tell you 'See I told you so". but happy you're happy. happy that your effort and persistance is finally paid off.

on a side note.
when I was eating cendol at the famous teo chew cendol, there was a bunch of thai tourists who was coincidentally there. missing the thai people always, I was actually excited to see some thai. watching the tour guide count 'Neng Shong Shang' before taking pictures, just brings back the memories of Bayside.

so I pandai pandai offered to take a group pic for them la. initially they declined. but after eating for a while, they decided they do want a group pic, and so they asked if I could help them hold the camera. they were actually suprised that I can count. and asked if I understood thai. I shook my head, but just said I know some simple bit. I could tell that they were happy to see me. perhaps someone who resembles thai in a foreign place.

before I left the place I said 'Sawadeekarp' to them. I guess they must be curious about how I know the thai culture. tee hee

just a simple incident. with no special happenings. but that really made up my shitty day. and kept me happy for a while. happy that my presence do bring smiles to people's face ^^

The white chicken bone ..

2009-08-27T23:33:00.002+08:00

I went to lunch alone today at wendy's and I ordered fried chicken. I requested for chicken thigh, but was given chicken breast.

As I finished all the meat, all was left was the white chicken bone. a soft chewable one. and that reminds me of you ..

"Eat it!" you said as you threw the bone on my plate.
"Dont want!!" I whined, while throwing the bone back at your plate. "Im not a dog, I dont eat bones. human dont eat bones" I added.
"Nono. Try it. It is my favourite part," you said throwing it back to me again.

The both of us. throwing that piece of bones back and forth. like small children playing ball games.

Finally I gave up. I picked up the bone with my spoon and ate it while showing a look of dissatisfaction. Of coz I know that piece of bone was edible. and some people do take pleasure chewing it. I just was not willing to try new things. and is not happy with the thought of myself eating bones.

You laughed and pat my head.
"Good dog !" you praised, grinning while saying that, showing the playful look, happy that you 'won' the fight.

my face turned from a sulk to a smile. happy to see you're happy. happy to know that Im getting your best.

As I stare at the piece of white bone lying on top of the empty plate in front of me and reminiscing of the past, a tear escaped my eye. I picked up the bone and start chewing it. this time I did it voluntarily ..

Coming home soon ..

2009-08-10T14:03:00.003+08:00

I just realize I have not been blogging for a while ..
really couldnt find the time to go online ..
plus finding a laptop to get online has been quite hard since the thai people left ..

Im currently now in LA .. the final stop ..
I've been to new york city, niagara falls, florida (miami, orlando, fort lauderdale), las vegas, and san fransisco ..
besides one day of overlap with ching ching, cong wei n chin pang, I've been travelling alone all over the west side ..
dragging 130 lbs of luggage from city to city ..
really very tiring ..
and since Im travelling alone, I met with a lot of people .. mostly strangers .. very nice people so far .. thank god for that.

one of the most common questions I had received is, "Which city do I love the most ?"
most of my friends tell me they love san fransisco the best.
as for me .. I really could not decide ..
I love niagara falls .. because I went with everyone I was close with .. it was a crazy decision to go .. and niagara falls was really beautiful .. the whole moment is just unforgettable ..
I love florida .. not for the place .. but for the people who was there .. there were some shitty moments .. but I really should not be concretrating on the negative aspects ..
san fransisco is really really beautiful ..
just sitting by the bay, drinking coffee .. is a way of enjoying life ..
but I was feeling really really lonely .. and cold ..
and I got really home sick ..
ironically I stop feeling so home sick the moment I got to LA ..

and after all these journey ..
I thought I would finally grow up ..
learn how to think, learn to be independant, improve on my people skills ..
but ironically not ..
I still dont think before I do things, so I end up hurting others and not realising it til it was too late ..
I still dont know how to make up my mind and stick to my decisions .. and sometimes relying on others to make up my mind for me ..
I still dont know how to read others with their body language .. more often than never misinterpreting the signals they sent out .. and me myself is always sending out the wrong message .. or so someone told me ..

I feel sad leaving this place..
at the same time I feel happy ..
it's such confusion ..
a mixture of feelings ..
and it's so complicated ..
when I came here I thought I was gonna leave the mess at home and pray that it got fixed over time when Im not around .. I think that worked out quite well ..
but I came here and I ended up being a mess again myself ..
it's me .. I know it's me ..

The journey so far

2009-06-21T06:19:00.003+08:00

sorry guys have not have the time to post anything. been working crazy mad. hanging out at thai's ppl place. and no time to do anything else. it's hard to believe I have merely 6 weeks left. 6 weeks passed in a blink of an eye .. and tho I've barely done anything .. I loved every moment spent here and is missing it ..

so here's some pics from KL to US ..

my only friend who sent me off airport. sobs. I only have one friend :(
love ya mandy baby

family pic. not a good one. everyone looks fat. it explains why Im fat as well. it's in the genes :P

food they served on plane. 3 pcs of fruits, pineapple papaya + honey dew. not bad sandwiches. but cold. there's egg mayo, cream cheese + tuna. vintage cheddar + crackers. and orange juice. I guess food is not bad for supper standard

fancy looking vending machines at narita tokyo. everything looks so good I just wanna buy them all

miserable smoking area in japan. I would not wanna be a smoker in japan. it's really sad .. and I bet their smokers die faster than any other smoker around the world. congrats to wks for his tak nak campaign. way to go!

nice looking + cheap bento meals. I wonder if they taste good ..

toilet spray. to wash your ass. I still wonder wat does bidet means. is there really such an english word ?

sushi pendrive. only available in japan. very exp tho. USD 80. for a 1GB pendrive. rip off like usual. but this is japan. wat do you expect?

every restaurant has such display in the front. showing wat they serve and how they look like + price. looks too good to eat.

meal on plane from Japan - Chicago. welcome to the fatty journey. the seafood pasta is yummy. so is the pasta salad. they also have sushi. normal stuff. not very good. they serve a lot of gassy drinks on plane. and the people ate + drink so fast, it's a new culture I guess .. there's also bread + butter, cracker + cheese. and also a super sweet honey pecan pie.

pretty snow flakes from the plane window. check out the snowwy mountain in canada

spread out clouds by canada. no wonder there are so little rain and it's so dry .. I think they look pretty :)

my ID

when Im free I would go explore the town more often n take more pics. more pics to come .. cya guys. miss you all. hugz. bye !!

Greetings from Ohio

2009-06-01T17:00:00.003+08:00

hey guys ..
how are things going on ?
I know I did promise to blog. but the internet has been pretty shitty here. my laptop doesnt connect to internet here. too many ppl sharing the internet and the signal is quite weak.

but this place Im at. is AWESOME.
seriously.
the weather is very different from home. I can say it's the total opposite.
in msia. it's hot n humid.
while here it's cooling. sometimes it's a bit too cold that Im freezing my ass off.
and dry. so dry my skin flakes when I forgot to apply lotion. and my face feels rough without moisturizer.
but it's all good. coz I dont sweat. yay!

everyone I met so far has been really nice as well.
my first week here I was hanging out with americans.
I had my first body shot experience. body shot is when the bartender offers free shots. from the belly button. but of coz someone has to offer their belly button for the bartender to pour drinks on =p
I also had my first gay bar outing. went with some gay people. and a few of the most charming straight guys from cedar point. it was a fun night out.
I gave one guy his mohawk hair cut. which is really cool .. so if anyone is interested in having a mohawk, you know my number.

I start work at the end of the first work. while everybody is working in the park, where all the exitement and people are at, Im at the hotel outside the park. which is quite boring sometimes coz everyone is at the park! but it's good .. bcoz hotel operates for longer hours, which mean more hours for me as well ..

I got close to this girl from hk who is here to be with her american bf. and we started hanging out with the thai people. I love the thai people. they give you free food and free drinks. =D
which is really good. coz I cant cook. and I dont have the time to, so I get home cook meals with them. the food is really yummy, nothing like what my mum makes. but it's all good. it's sad that they're all leaving so soon .. they've been here since march .. and school is starting for them. so they have to go home ..

we've been partying so hard, and they've been drunk almost every night these few nights .. it was so crazy over here .. one night we were making so much noise during quiet hours that we had the cops coming over to check our IDs. ever since I was so afraid whenever they get drunk coz they made so much noise I was afraid cops might come by for another visit ..

during my 3rd week here .. I went to niagara falls. it was unplanned. I was dragged to the trip by the thai people. and I was glad I went. coincidentally I have day off .. so it's cool. I was in my pyjamas .. and all I intended to do was just to send them off the bus, while jokingly saying Im gonna join them for the trip .. the next minute, I was negotiating with the organizer if I could just go just like that .. and she said okay .. so I got on the bus in my pyjamas .. managed to convince the bus driver to drop me off my apartment for 10 quick minutes for me to grab some documents, money and got changed. and off I am to niagara falls ..

niagara falls was so beautiful .. and so much fun. the thai people are such cam whores. and they own 4 expensive DSR cameras. I would post some pictures some time soon ..

right now .. my mood is just .. gloomy. Im sad the people I care about has left, some gonna leave in hours, and a couple more gonna go back thai tmr .. Im also sad that many things has been happening at home while Im away. I wish Im around. but Im not .. I just hope things works fine soon .. many times I wanna call home but I just dont have a phone/calling card yet .. no time to go get one ..
and Im really tired. I got home at 1.30 am on friday, had to wake up at 7am on sat, worked for 16 hours. sun was pretty chilling, and it's monday today. I think Im gonna work twice harder after the thai people leave ..

well this is just a 'short' summary of what had been happening around here in Sandusky, Ohio. Im glad this has been an exciting journey so far .. thank you Amanda Quek. Im sure more is to come ..

Im gonna post some pictures soon .. I hope. it's been hard having time for myself with all the activities .. it was fun. but Im tired.

miss you guys.
bye!!!

For One More Day by Mitch Albom

2009-05-06T14:03:00.007+08:00

Mitch Albom had produced a few of the best selling books, and his 3 most popular books, Tuesdays with Morrie, The Five People You Meet in Heaven and For One More Day. I have read all 3 of them. the theme is similar .. it's somewhat related to death. and probably about discovering self. and death. about the importance of family and how people tend to take them for granted

For One More Day is a book about Charley "Chick" Benetto. It just brings a random thought too all readers' mind. What would you do if you could spend one more day with a lost loved one?

The book is narrated from Chick Benetto's POV. it bring you back and forth, to the past .. then to the future to fully understand his story. what he had went through ..

As a child, his father once told him, "You can be a mama's boy or a daddy's boy. But you cant be both." And thus he chose to be a daddy's boy. but unfortunate for him his dad left the family when we was still young ..

In life we were always given such choices. where we have to pick sides of two conflicting parties. In Chick's situation, to be a mama's boy or a daddy's boy. there's no such thing as choosing both sides. it's either you stay out of the way or you choose who you like to please. no such thing as pleasing everyone.

Throughout the book, we can see that Chick was being faithful to the wrong parent, while consistantly letting the other one down. and even that, his mum was every supporting and always by his side .. til her death .. he choses to abandon her for his father who never cared. and was not by her side when she passed away.

and that got into him. bad. his life is crumbled by alco. and regret. he left his family. or rather they left him .. he was all alone, wasted, haunted by the past.

And one day. he gotten a mail. from his daughter. merely to just inform him about her wedding. which he was not invited to. probably bcoz of his drinking and depression that he had also became an embarassment to attend family functions. and that hit him hard. and he decided to end his life.

after a few suicide attempts which did not work out, he visits his old own .. and to his suprise, he found his mother. his dead mother. dead for 8 years already. and she welcomed him home as if nothing happened.

and then his mother took him through a few journeys .. about the past .. and possibly the present. so he could work on his future .. instead of continuing his self destruct pattern. through these journeys he finally understoood wat happened in the past .. questions which he had always pondered on, but never gotten the answer.

a very very touching story. and my favourite part of the books are that in between chapters, the author included journal entries of Chick Benetto .. about the times his mother had stood up for him .. and the times he did not stood up for him mother. it must have hurt. to only have yourself. that people who you cared .. never did care for you the same way you cared for them. I admire her generosity, to put it all behind and forgive all the faults. I for one find it hard to forgive people who had mistreated me. and thus I relate well to him.

a quote from one of the few last pages of the book

I feel ashamed now that I tried to take my life. It is such a precious thing. I had no one to talk me out of my despair, and that was a mistake. You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart.

I think that is true. partially. but he just didnt think about the consequence of how those evil people in life who made used of what you feel close to heart, make use of that knowledge .. to hurt you. reaching out is important. but many times not everyone is interested in listening to what you have to say. and sometimes when they do listen, they ada udang sebalik batu. only a few who truly cared. and sometimes in taking precaution to those who might hurt you, you isolate yourself from those who care. it's just something to ponder upon.

a highly recommended book. do read it if you have time ..

bye !!

sue @ home

2009-05-05T22:53:00.000+08:00

those who had been following me should have known I wasnt feeling well ..
and then I was supposed to go for a course graduation trip to pulau perhentian ..
but seeing me posting here, you should have figured out that Im still home .. which means I backed out last min ..

It was a tough choice. I really wanted to go. I really miss those boys. and sue ann. lol. but I guess US is more important and I really cant risk it when Im feeling unwell. I am a lot better. I would like to think I've fully recovered .. but it wasnt worth the risk. It was an opportunity cost I had to forgo. still hurts me thinking about it .. between my coursemates and my mother. I chose the later. she was relieved when she heard when I decided not to go in the beginning .. and then later pulled out a drama again when I told her Im going again later .. I just wished it was an easy choice to make .. but it wasnt.

so now they're all having fun in the island, watching bikini babes, enjoy the sun sea sand .. and Im sulking at home.

but an added advantage would be I have extra time to pack, cut my hair, spend with my family, and most importantly rest. and possibly to blog too ;p Im currently not in a very good physical and emotional state, thus I guess I really needed it all ..

I have a book review and a movie review up soon.
do come back here soon ..

bye !!

Congradulate Me ..

2009-05-05T18:49:00.000+08:00

I was a student .. and now Im 'upgraded' to an unemployed.

YAY !

what a wonderful status change.
Im broke.
now who wants to loan me some money for food =(

MIA

2009-05-03T20:32:00.002+08:00

this is gonna be a short post.
just in case if you've been visiting my space, and noticing the lack of updates .. million apologies. when you're dead sick you just dont have time to update about life.

anyways I would be off the town in 2 days to perhentian island.
I do pray hard I get well for that. else RM 325 down the drain =(

then Im off for my flight. I've almost done all my meet ups. and if I didnt meet up with you .. Im sorry I didnt call. erm .. but then again, did you?
Im unwell .. got full schedule at uni for the next two days. graduation talks, some exit interview, ID presentation, interview 101, bla bla bla. I just wished they werent compulsory
><

to those close at heart. I miss you guys.
*hugs*
*muax*

bye !!

OMG .. Could it be Swine Flu ?

2009-05-01T01:07:00.002+08:00

out of curiosity .. I googled for the recent pandemic of swine flu which originates from mexico

taken from wikipedia

hrmm .. I have been sick.
for more than 24 hours already.
I get gastric-like symptoms when I never had gastric ..
sometimes I do feel nausea but there's no vomitting.
erm .. got diarrhea also .. very very bad ones ..
with the gastric-like pain, the torture is bad ..
killing me tenderly ..

people tell me Im experiencing food poisoning .. but .. everyone else who ate the food I did was doing fine .. besides I would like to think I have high tolerance towards dirty food considering I once ate a packet of rotten nasi lemak and I was fine.
=.=

well everyone knew about the above situation bcoz it affects me so badly that I was whining to EVERYONE I spoke to >< runny nose plus sore throat as well .. and also an ulcer in the mouth. probably due to being heaty. and Im feeling feverish all the time .. been taking lotsa liquids .. 100 plus, revive & water to replenish my liquids .. but am still feeling dehydrated most of the time .. sometimes my throat felt so dry and sore that Im developing coughs as well ..

my stomach has been messing up with me, waking me up every two-hourly. I have low pain tolerance .. and it had to wake me up when I was so bloody tired. my ass hurts. I feel lethargic from not getting enuff sleep, and all the pain after food is such a turnoff that Im losing my appetite as well ..

i have taken meds. which did stop the shitting. but did not take away the pain. now Im cussing the guy who convinced me to take meds bcoz intially I wanted to let the system clears itself .. and hopefully I would be fine after that .. and now after the meds .. I cannot shit and all the toxic are stuck inside me .. hurting me even more.

jason treated our family ah yat abalone just now .. quite yummy. but seriously .. Im not a fan of shark fin, abalone, or watever expensive stuff you eat in the chinese restaurant. for the price we paid (RM480 for table of 6), I rather be eating japanese or korean or western .. and save more money. hrmm.. but then again I have a cina-ah-beng family whose favs are chinese food .. so what more can I say?

I was not feeling well so no food pics.
and yeah i got karaoke tmr ..
so gnite

bye !!!

No Krispy Kreme for Me =(

2009-04-28T07:25:00.002+08:00

past few days had been really really hectic.
with going out.
so tired.
I mean home is my fav hang out place.
and Im the type who needs quality time by myself.
to do the things I like.
not getting much of it.
urgh.
I do enjoy going out with ppl n all ..
but I just need time out myself ..

and last weekend was so depressing ....
I probably have something for donuts.
I would travel all the way to pavillion by myself and queue 30 mins just to buy donuts. I love pavillion jco. only pavillion. other places werent so awesome so I didnt bother trying.

and I've heard so much about the krispy kreme kraze ..
like it was THE donut.
like people would go all the way to jakarta or australia just for it ...
and I've always wanted to try ..
and last sunday .. I finally had my chance. I was looking high n low berjaya times square. and when I finally found it .... urgh. opening date is the following day 10am.
immediately mood depression by x 84366987311865
=(

guess I just have to wait til I come home then ..

ok bye !!

The Sniper 神枪手

2009-04-25T06:06:00.005+08:00

went and watched this show today. I was actually quite suprise to see edison chen acting. I mean I tot he went low profile and fled to canada after all his scandals? hrmm it was wayy later only I found out that this movie was filmed about two years back, but the screening was delayed due to the scandal. and now things have cool down, the movie is released.

good movie I would say. I like it. I was NEVER a fan of edison chen. I dont even know which is my fav character in the movie. but I was drooling through out the movie. must be bcoz of the police drama thingy ;p YING =D

OJ (O仔) aka Edison Chen was a police rookie whose sniper talent was spotted by Hartman (方克明) aka Richie Jen when he accidentally bump into a police mission assault. Hartman then recruited OJ to be under his sniper team and OJ underwent various training part of the police sniper team force.

Hartman was then the top sniper in the police force, having won many awards - and is the only person in the team who can shoot accurately from a distance of 400m. The story evolves by revealing a tragic history. Before Hartman, there was a better sniper, Lincoln (凌靖) aka Huang XiaoMing who was expelled from the force when he accidentally shot a hostage to death during a rescue mission. Lincoln was the only person who could ever shoot accurately from a distance of 500m, and no one, not even Hartman could even match his skills. This causes Lincoln to be arrogant, eventually resulting the mistake he did during the rescue mission. For his mistake, he was jailed 4 years, and upon release, he only had vengeance in his blood.

OJ was a very competitive person, and upon finding out that Lincoln was the best, he seeks for Lincoln and learnt his way of shooting .. which causes many conflict with his sifu, Hartman.

wanna know what happen after that ... ?
go watch the movie lark =D
awesome really
I love richie jen's bod. sexy. I like! ;)

however one of the downside of the show is that I dont like Richie Jen's horrible pronounciation. lol. everything else, *thumbs up*

watching them learn about shooting techniques sent adrenalines through my blood. it's not easy being a sniper. your estimation have to be accurate. your feel towards the environment must be sensitive. everything, from distance, to wind, elevation, temperature, humidity. all makes a big difference.

anyways here's a trailer I found from youtube..

now you feel like watching oso rite? hehe ..

bye !!

Hexic Makes Me Forget About Exam

2009-04-23T06:56:00.004+08:00

I love hexic. my fav msn game so far. and I never got tired of playing it.
a very addictive game. provided if you're kiasu like me :P

this is a game of skill n not testing your eye power or luck. ok maybe 80% skill & 20% luck. I even have a self proclaimed title - Hexic Queen
=D

when this happens .. dunno to cry or to laugh. I could have won my game if my pearls were nearby. I wasnt expecting for bombs and was being ambitious to wanna create an extra pearl.

the outcome of the game

I could easily get 1.5m if my pearls were closer.
sigh

I wasted 90 mins of studying playing it. CM finals is 7+ hours away. and Im not finished with studying yet. yes Im officially fucked.

bye!!!

Home Made Zhang <3

2009-04-20T22:28:00.003+08:00

If you have known me long enough, you should have known the fact that I dont take pork. Chinese Zhang is like one of the most well-liked and famous Chinese traditional food. me for one love it .. but super sad. coz 90% of the zhang in this world contains pork. the remaining 10% ? kan sui ones lor. the yellowish one with red bean filling. and not forgetting the ones my mum made bcoz they're specially for me ^^

So last weekend my mum expressed thoughts to get banana leaves.
me: buy banana leaves for wat o?
mum: make zhang la.
me: wat's the occasion? oso not dong wu jie. sumore i tot you're not well. why suddenly wanna make zhang?
mum: aiya. you're leaving soon dy wat. u so long no eat. ma make for you to eat lor.

*sniffs*
so gam tong ......

so today ..
the banana leaves and its content masuk factory, and here's the outcome ..

yummy looking zhangs, posing on the table for me ;p

stripping the zhang naked. keke
the sticky glutinous makes me drool

cutting the zhang into half. sorry for the bad picture quality. but try spotting all the wholesome lius. hehe

hrmmm .. one of the complains I get from people who buys zhang outside is that they're very stingy with the materials. the reason why my mum makes me most yummylicious zhang is bcoz of the generosity in lius. in this pic you can easily see the chicken, the mushroom, the salty white beans, ham tan wong .. and hidden deeper inside is the dried chinese scallops + har mai.

but then again my phone has lousy camera .. so hence the blurry pics. you guys probably cant tell what's what bcoz they all look the same. hehe

Im a happy person tonite.

bye !!

p/s: posting would be pretty slow this week. have exams on thurs and I've yet to start. urgh. hate

Neck Pain

2009-04-16T14:06:00.004+08:00

been 2 days already ..
dont really know what wrong ..
the neck just felt stiff ..
probably tense ..
some parts of the muscle is tense and hurts when being rubbed =(
and it induces headache.

yesterday was a bitch.
was watching horror movie while having to endure thru all the pain. the headache and the stiff neck muscle. and half way thru the movie, stomach grumbles. hungry from no dinner. and rotten lunch. sigh

I tot it was going to good since it was from the producers of Shutter and Alone.
the only 2 good horror movies I've seen.
turns out Coming Soon was '...'

it doesnt have a proper plot.
the story doesnt even make sense.
the whole movie is just plain gory. filled with disgusting looking stuff.
it was like quarantine. maybe not so bad. but close enough.
and it was only 75 minutes. damn short. quite a ripoff for RM 10.

i feel tired. but I've got too much work I've delayed since last week. I need to get things done. just feel that it is a wrong timing for all these aching. sigh

bye !!

updated

just finished watching E.U. love the ending. tho it is quite typical. bad guys got busted. no happily ever after for the main characters (so they can have a story for sequels. tee hee). but I really miss Laughing Kor. the forums said there is possibly a sequel for the show. and they're gonna bring Laughing Kor back. YAY! a perfect example for 男人不坏女人不爱

there's 2 more series in the hdd
Im gonna be in control. no more hardcoring til after exam. ta~

E.U. 学警狙击

2009-04-15T02:12:00.008+08:00

I just finished watching episode 14. 30 episodes altogether ..

so touching .... wanto cry ok when Laughing confessed to Sam Che (芯姐)

gosh Im supposed to be studying >< so addictive .....
I have to watch the past 2 seasons .. The Academy (学警雄心) and On the First Beat (学警出更)

the main actors : ron ng & sammul chan
sammul chan. seen him acting in few of the lawyer so .. he's just like a boy next door. not really my cup of tea.
ron ng .. his coolness really melts any girls heart.
Im not their fan ..
but ..
I think it's a police movie thingy
you just felt drawn to them. all the theif/gangster busting activity. one word. YING.

i know I swear devotion to raymond lam ..
both ron ng n sammul chan didnt even catch my eye in 'The Four'
but they're just so seductive in this movie.
sigh

Anyways. the plot
E.U. is a sequel from police movie The Academy & On the First Beat.

Kong Sai-Hau (江世孝) is back in HK after 10 years of prison in taiwan. his motive is to pujuk his daughter, mend their broken relationship, at the same time take revenge on triad boss Tin Ko(天哥), the man who causes him to be jailed in taiwan. Tin Ko is a very careful triad boss dealing drugs, police wanted to nail him for years, but due to insufficient evidence.. there's nothing can be done.

so Kong Sai Hau made friends with police officer Chung Lap Man (锺立文) aka Ron Ng, provides him with inside news so that Chung Lap Man could gather evidence to arrest Tin Ko. and we watched the story evolves on how manipulative Kong Sai Hau is and also how Lap Man became a spy, got misunderstood by his best friend, Lee Pak Kiu (李柏翘) aka Sammul Chan. and we also see all the love story between the two hunks which Im not planning to share with you. akakakakkaa. you have to see it to know it =p.

my view. another police drama. some people might find it very typical. but love the actions. love the boys. love the drama. hope you like it too ^^

bye !!!

Movie Marathon

2009-04-13T18:10:00.004+08:00

watch this last fri. mood improvement by 5432691x after I step out from the cinema. as you watch all the sexy bodies, you can just feel the vibes of the hormones rushing thru your blood stream. awesome ness. a must watch.

for those who havent. here's a trailer for you :P takes a while to load tho. HD trailer leh :P

and yesterday .. I went to watch this ..

it's a really good movie for laughs. for many people it's something they would nvr pay for to watch, but it's ok. piracy or not. just watch it. confirm ROFLOL.

as the title suggests, the story is about a shopaholic who is involved in many debts bcoz of her shopping disorder. the piles of clothes n shoes she owns. omg. I could totally relate to her. you see a beauty and you felt in love, and then you found another, you fall in love again, but you still love the other one, and it's just SO HARD TO DECIDE. gosh. and you ended up getting them all and regret it later. sigh.

oh ya back to the plot. so yeah she's involved with debts and she's jobless. her dream job is working in this high class fashion magazine, Alette, but she somehow ended up in this financial magazine, Successful Savings, which supposedly teaches people how to manage their money. this is the best irony of the show. someone who almost 10k worth of debts, being chased by debts collecters and having to come up with millions of excuses to runaway from them, is actually teaching people on how to manage $

go watch the movie. you'd love it. the bimboness. the jokes. the fashion. the eye candies ;)

and after that. pls lend me your pirated copy. pls............
I missed the first 20 mins thanks to wks and his 'punctuality' and him eating to slow :(

dinner at Good Evening Bangkok
yummy clear tom yam soup(left) and green curry(right)

ok I know from the pic the food doesnt look so yummy. the taste is 294710325236x better than the looks. seriously. this is my favourite green curry so far because the green curry is most places are sweet .. while in Good Evening Bangkok, it's very spicy. the clear tom yam soup was made from boiling chili in water, and thus after each sip, you can taste the chili aftermath in your mouth. u can see from the pic that the it has seafood (squid, prawns, fish) and mushroom in it. I was sweating while enjoying my meal. I even had extra servings of rice because it was oh-so-yummy! the only critic I would give is that the green curry lacks in vegetables. I wish they gave us more brinjals and long beans :(

ok that's all for today. Im back to finish my winter melon tale and my work before zixun psyco the hell out of me =p
bye !!

The Winter Melon Tale 大冬瓜

2009-04-11T22:52:00.007+08:00

currently watching this tvb show. after a super long break from not watching tvb.

a really damn stupid show. laugh out loud and felt less shitty now compared to this morning.

the first two lines of intro songs

边个话我傻
请佢食烧鹅

translated .. "who says Im foolish? treat them roast goose"
very cute song. lol

anyways. the show is about this deity under Stove God by the name of Fan Tung (范统) who was punished to imprisoned inside a winter melon (冬瓜) for 500 years for offending the Emperor's Mother. 500 years later he was freed by this couple, Tin Dai-Kwai (田大贵) & Chung Bik-Yuk (锺碧玉), but still cannot return back to heaven coz he have not returned their favours.

In an accident, Fan Tung crashed into Tin Dai-Kwai's brother, Tin Dai-Fu (田大富) and his spirits entered the brother's body. In the accident he lost all his powers and has to rely on his other 6 little deities who was staying with him when he was imprisoned inside the winter melon.

Im only at episode 8, so that's the synopsis so far. overall the story doesnt really have much logic plot or anything to look forward to. some parts can be conveniently skipped. but overall is a super fai chai movie, worth for laughs.

ok Im back to drama-ing. man I miss tvb. any proper shows for recommendation since Gem of Life & Sweetness in the Salt ?

bye !!!

hotmail April's Fool on me

2009-04-11T07:15:00.005+08:00

yesterday morning I woke up .. a bit grumpy coz I didnt wake up early enuff for class, n not very sure how I wasted the night before away ..

usual routine, ~~first thing walk to the com, check facebook n email,~~ wash up, check mails ..

to my horror

click to enlarge

wat the fish? seriously I almost die-d when I saw that. regardless how I login zillion of times, from all the pc n laptops at home, still the same.

like omg seriously. I was at the verge of tears already. everything is in my inbox. my flight stuff. important uni stuff which hasnt handed up (esp ID) which is stored inside. ~~things I used to blackmail others~~ all my love letters *blushes*. and not forgetting all my other accounts are linked to hotmail. if it kaput. i kaput.

and just the other day my com was scanned for backdoor. probably existed for a long time already til I installed antivirus. and I was like ... shit. could that be it ? and was wondering if there is a possibility of deleting the email itself ....

I was going thru one hour of shit. googling for all the possibilities
(but my googling skills sucks! =( )
finding solutions to retrieve back my inbox. message EVERYONE online that day to ask if they're experiencing similar problems.

thank god after a while .. tomaz managed to find a thread on yahoo questions and it seems Im not the only one ..
*phew*
apparently msn is trying to fix something. and in time things would resume to normal.

and then rc came up with this mobile link which enables me to check my mail but the "You dont have an inbox .. yet" message still appear when I try to check the normal way. feeling a lot better that my stuff are still there ..

when i left the house for errands .. my inbox is still not fixed. just thanking god it wasnt gone.

but seriously .. it was a shitty way to start off the day ...

bye !!

p/s: Im still feeling shitty =(

p/p/s: to do list no 1. format com after ID

p/p/p/s: movies to watch list, He's just not that into you, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Talentime(from the directors of sepet and gubra), Coming Soon (from the directors of Alone n Shutter), xmen. if nobody is layaning me, then Im probably heading to cinema alone ..

All Set Ready to go ...

2009-04-08T18:32:00.010+08:00

.. to japan

YAY

so happy ..
paid my flight tickets today.
dunno to cry or to laugh.
my almost 5 figure bank account now left with less than 1k
not trying to brag or anything. just sharing my .... mixed emotions towards my assets.

next step is to get my japan visa ..
anyone knows the exact procedure ?
will be flying off at may 9th. reaching japan at may 10th in the morning ...
any suggestion of what I can do around narita tokyo ?

I've also finished of 70% of my workload .. only left with CM exam and ID report. then Im all DONE !!
bye bye UNI !!

reunion dinner group pic

I will miss each and everyone in it .. the civil boys. my juniors. my room mates... everyone who made my uni life awesome!

poay doing his thing

but NEVER will miss the uni
hahahahahah.
this week would be my last week attending lectures. yay !

group pic at UM 2009

4 more weeks before I disappear from KL for a while ..
so anybody who misses me ... it's now or ... a very long time from now =p

bye !!

Brain Age Game - my brain is 20 yrs old

2009-04-05T23:18:00.005+08:00

was so stressed out.
and somebody fwd me some online flash game for chilling out ..

*click*
haha. go test your brain age.

the instruction is in japanese, so unlikely you'd understand.
basically after countdown 3, 2, 1 .. they would show you some numbers for a few sec, then number is covered. you click on the number based on a small to big sequence.

after playing it all .. they'd calculate your brain age.
mine is 20 years old.
what is your ? ;)

Somebody decided to make me very happy today

2009-03-31T20:24:00.008+08:00

well if you have been following this blog. you would have know how down I was last night. Today was a better day because I finally got some things done.

I was editing the CM report. wahseh talk about the awesome skill of copy and paste. if you're a UM student and you graduate without that skill .. I can only tell you one thing ...

YOU DO NOT BELONG TO THE UNIVERSITY !

kakakkakaka. no joke.

anyways back to story. I was editing my work til half way when a random friend just msg me and say.

X : hrmm .. ice cream. it's about time we meet up
sue: huh wat now ?
X : yeah now la. eh wait dont you have your fyp n assignments going on? not today then I guess
sue: nuuuuuuuuuuuuu .. I can always make time for baskin robins.

the rest is history ..

not one, not two .. but three pints ^^

as usual. the queue on 31st was crazy.

normal price .. RM 25

after 31% discount .. RM 17.60

I had to wait for like .. 20 numbers I think. i felt quite bad actually coz ju liang had to pick adrianne after work, and he's a bit late coz of the long queue. but thanks so much. I really appreciate it!

I guess with all these ice cream. they're good enough to kill the cravings. at least til august I think. haha. aiyah I'd probably be eating too much Ben & Jerry's to miss baskin robins anyways =p

BR girl : so do you want dry ice?
me : yeah sure thanks.

the results ..

makes you go -.- rite ?
I wonder if that much actually made any difference ..

today is a beautiful day ^^

BYE!!

No more bahasa melayu for me ..... EVER !!

2009-03-31T01:23:00.004+08:00

I just went throught the shittiest 6 hours of my life. I have been going through shit for the past few weeks, so when I said this is like shittier than that .. you could only imagine.

I am so overdue for my thesis. and just now I was translating my abstract to abstrak. yea wtf. I have no idea which godlike genius created that rule. but Im definately cussing him/her at the moment.

I used to have many malay friends back in high school. eh my SPM BM A1 ok (does this reminds you of dr. hilmi? keke) I wouldnt say my command of language was good. but it was okay. notice the key word. past tense. now it's totally down the drain. returned to En Lokfi after I left Sri Aman. (I actually forgot his name. when he was my class teacher for 2 yrs. I had to look back old school magazine =.=)

SIGH ..

man usually 6 hours can be super productive.
can write probably 4 pages of stuff. if copy paste maybe 10 pages include some editing.

but tonite wasted it on translating one page of crap.
and now I so no mood to continue work.
yes I am so overdue so pls dont remind me.

ok to brighten up my mood can someone pls bring me to eat baskin robins ~~tmr~~ later? pls .. it's 31% of all hand packed tmr ... I havent had any since oct, and tmr will be my last chance til a very long time ... double pls .. *shows bunny eyes*

if only fye shared his ketat padat mampat with me.

bye !!!

Earth hour 2009

2009-03-30T14:26:00.004+08:00

yups it's was last sat and so-called a success.

but seriously?
I mean all these hoo ha about save the planet, save energy consumption .. how many people are actually doing it? no doubt the intention is good. and yes we all observe KL in darkness that hour. but one hour? what good is the little energy saved during that hour when during ordinary times everyone else act as if electricity is free.

while some others have their lights off, their computers are still running at home when they're afk. yups people tell me the campaign is to build awareness so that people only use electricity when necessary. yups. so right. you save a penny here just to spend it else where.
(ok I confess I am guilty of this point bcoz my computer is on almost 24/7)

I can still bet that my ex roommate (NOT eileen, xin hui, amber or suan peng for that matters) would continue to on the lights in the day for as long as she's not paying for it. because apparently her eyes requires wayyy moreeee lights for reading when everyone else is doing fine with the natural light itself. and I do know of some others who only know how to switch on, but never remembers to switch off.

I can proudly say that I am brought up by thrifty parents who brought me up well. that I shouldnt be wasting things, let it be food, money, electricity, water what-so-ever. yups so I dont use the lights in the day unless it gets too dark. I try not to on unnecessary lights. and I try to remember to switch them off whenever not needed. I dont use the air-con unless the weather becomes intolerable.
ok maybe Im guilty of having my computer running for 24/7. so shoot me.

Im sure there are many others who have done their part. but Im also very sure these group of many others are just the minority. Im sorry that this post seems offensive to those people who have done their part. but I just cant help to feel the hypocrisy in people who have not played their part but yet go all out to promote earth hour yet not understanding the meaning to it ..

bye !!

p/s: feeling a bit pissy from thesis stress =(

I need 48 hours in a day !!

2009-03-25T23:27:00.002+08:00

Im blogging bcoz patrick asked me to.
-.-
gosh I started this blog without preparing my mentality to sit down n blog. now I left my poor baby deserted ='(

I wanted to blog about matta fair n koray's full moon n durian cheesecake. but dont know why didnt make it in the end.

anyways. life has been very very busyyy. thesis submission is due 3 apr, which is next fri, but I have to get it done within 5 days bcoz I have to give some time allocation for the binding. urgh

there's just so much to do and so little time. Im taking wayy longer to complete my required task bcoz god didnt grant me with much programming skills *sobs*

plus Im like a lost kitten with no one to guide my. for my friends who have heard me rant can skip this part. but for those who didnt know... my supervisor left me stranded when she went for labor. she promised to reply emails and stuff but promises can always be broken so yeah. blame me for being to naive. blame me for not taking enough initiative to find out that she was pregnant when we chose our titles.

wah seh. that day I super pissed. I sent her a few chapters of my draft to her. a week later still no reply so I email her again to ask for the progress. she then reply by asking me to submit the HARD copy to her HOUSE. WTF. what happen to the "You can send your draft to me through email" shit ?

besides gonna be super busy this weekend coz cheng beng is on sat, and CIEE's orientation (compulsory attendance) is on sun.

ok hope to update more. with pictures. in the next post. til then ..
bye !!!

First Post !!

2009-03-12T06:05:00.000+08:00

am so bloody bored.
to the core.
that I created this blog.

so welcome to my space!

have class later at 9am.
now is 6am.
siannnnnn wat to do ..
fyp is screwing me up so didnt feel like doing.
days just felt so draggyyy

pls god fast fwd to fri. matta fair.
weeeeeeee ....
cant wait.
bye !!