fb wanted!

oooo i know u know just exactly what I mean. hahhahahaha but I'm just kidding really.

went for my first ever women check up. the doctor was really nice and sweet. and the result, everything is normal hurray! but she also had some bad news for me, which is too personal to disclose. only told an ex best friend about it and he felt sorry for my losses. but, I dont know if it's considered as a blessing or a cursed being in my situation.

anyways my first experience for pap smear. no wonder they try to make it so damn clear that it is for the sexually active only. damn fucking pain wehhhhh. I mean if u fuck consistently then obviously u'r less tight as u were if u had been dry for years, just assuming. not too sure tho coz I'm not a guy and I don't fuck females tho they attract me very much so I really don't know what's a loose pussy that I always hear the boys whining about. seriously I wished they knew about how minuscule their dick is and how the girls just pretend to orgasm to boost their esteem and to maintain a "good relationship", so much for their shit talking.

hence the title. I need a fuck buddy for like maybe a week 10x a day before I do my next pap smear. no joke I'm serious it came across my mind as I was lying there in pain while that cold speculum invaded my vagina. and obviously if u try to, erm, fight back the invasion, good luck on sitting properly for the next few days.

I was watching this Brit movie "Girl with the dragon tattoo" and there was this part where poor girl got ass raped by this sicko. and how she claimed for not being able to sit well n stuff, I think I can almost relate. I would say it's good shit movie. tho the elements are a bit, screwed, so be warned.

I'm sorry for the out of the usual vulgarities I'm using bcoz I'm just feeling a bit hot headed for some shit that I'm currently eating and not bold enuff to stand up for myself. I know I'm a coward :(

it's just I was so looking forward this week, been so excited all over and suddenly today everything just have to fall apart. and the only person who's keeping me sane and happy are two strangers from game who ... I dunno sometimes somewhat reminded me of somebody else I terribly missed.

burgh. emo. stupid period I will be expecting for you. thank you for making my boobs big but no thanks for the other million signs you're showing the body >< sleep

the potential lover

he offered to cook dinner for me again this valentine's.

same as he did the year before.

I politely decline.

well I know he's the type of guy that once he decides to settle down, he won't be fooling around and stay loyal to me. for he's been there done it all. I know deep down inside him he wanna settle down, just haven't found the girl. or maybe like he claimed is just waiting for me.

I can't tell if he's being honest or not. for he has been single for years, telling me the same old for years, persistent but not pushy.

and bcoz of that I've always been by his side. but just as a friend. I don't feel like that for him. it would makes things so much more convenient if I do. and for all these years, he never failed to make me feel like I belong. his friends were so welcoming of me. he's always there when I need him, with a smile and support, I sometimes feel he's bit like me in this sense. well he might not know this, but he made a difference in my life.

I just had to keep my distance, bcoz I can't allow myself to depend on him. I have to learn to be independent bcoz j don't know if I'm able to deal with more losses. I'm also afraid if he knows his worth in my life he might take advantage of it, hence I have to keep things casual.

I have my list of things to do. he's been very encouraging of it. giving me ideas of how to do it, sharing his experience. maybe also bcoz he knows my bucket wish, and inability to commit hence he isn't pushy with me. he always tell me we'd get married when I'm 30 if I dont find anybody. with his smiley face, I can't tell if he's kidding or not.

one moment it felt like he really understands and gives me space, another feels like possibly he is just looking for something with no strings attached. I don't know. won't even think about finding out. I can't bare to hurt another person I care for, nor can I bare the hurt myself :(

dragon cny

today is day 8 of cny. the first year I go thru without ma. and there hasn't been a day I didn't come home at 4am.

I feel horrible. I need a distraction. I feel lonely. even when I am with my friends I don't feel like I belong. I just sank into the cards, the tiles, the food, whatever that was there that night.

sometimes I don't wanna sleep at my own bed I wish there is somewhere I can go. there isn't.

sometimes I wish there is somebody who knows how everything runs around at home. there isn't.

her stuff aren't as organize as they used to be bcoz over the year they were moved around due to etc reasons. some of their existance were neglected bcoz nobody used them but her, and now that she's gone nobody knew what's good been left behind bcoz they're so petty.

my room is a shithole mess bcoz I don't where to put things, how to arrange them, what to throw or what to keep.

I feel like such a mess I don't know what to do. the only relieve is that now there is no more pressure to get things fixed, but doesn't mean there is no need to clean me up.

I have awesome friends around me. I just don't know how to appreciate them bcoz I don't know how to deal with myself right now, and I really need to sort me out right now :(

subway love

made me think of you everytime I had subway cookies. and I eat them often. really do wonder, are you thinking of me coz I'm thinking of you.

Again and again

there is an empty feeling inside the heart, a lot of unhappiness, a lot of worrisome. I feel the need to talk. but there is nobody to talk to. I don't literally mean nobody but I'm just being picky. bcoz there is nobody who can gimme the feeling of security at the moment. and so I do talk, but only without contents.

there had been many ups n downs. I'm a complicated person. or maybe just an easily confused person. lil things make me happy, but little things made me sad too. and these little things are so simple, happens too frequently in a day, which made me happy and sad. and such sudden emotion change so easily and frequently made people confused too, not only myself.

at the end of it, I wonder myself, why do people need to understand? so what if they do or they don't. would it make that much of a significant difference. possibly no. I'm not that important to anyone. just like every other person with equal rights. not too special nor extraordinary.

solution: just walk away. nobody cares anyway. won't bother explaining myself. nor whine too much about it.

if I explain myself, proves that I wanna people to care, seeking for attention, still being hopeful.

but if I walk away quietly without a word, it would be bcoz I'm hurt. the realization of nothing I can do to change the situation. very cliche-ish to quote silence is the loudest cry, but in my situation, it is true

who moved the cheese?

it's been a wonderful week. very meaningful life changing week. not bcoz I've been a happening person but solely bcoz of all the "long lost friends" who I suddenly came into contact with.

it's also the birthday week but bcoz of some 白事 that happened earlier this year I refused what so ever celebration.

and so on that night I spend the night on my bed, resting hoping to fall asleep, and suddenly my twin called. and I made a lifetime discovery in that phonecall. well I possibly know about it for a while already but am just in denial of it. but surprised surprised, the cheese is no longer there. so who moved the cheese? well you can choose to waste time n investigate about the "lost cheese" or just deal with it and find a solution to it.

the conversation was deep really deep, but it made me understand myself even better and certainly did solved a lot of doubts I had before regarding the cheese.

and this week was also the convocation week! so proud of my civil juniors finally graduated and into the harsh working world. happy to see how well they're doing, some of them even coupled up. well it's been a while already but just me haven't been updated thats all. I'm full of mixed feelings. with me being a year older, I feel just like a mama proud of her many sons :D

and last minute I was also invited to the cc convo dinner, such a great night to be seeing old coursemates college mates, people who I used to lived with. such a warm feeling. ahhh the great uni days.

and today I rekindled my relationship with one of my best uni friends. there had been some conflict in the past and it has always been my deepest regret to not be able to sort things out. and although things were a lot more complicated than I've assumed it to be, but I'm glad we're halfway there to sort it out, and I really do hope we can work out the perfect ideal situation in future. it takes time. it would be hard, but I'm sure we can work thru it :)

but I'm really happy to finally be able to let go of the regret, tho not completely but I was thanked for providing such valuable lessons in life, that possibly no one could do a better job, and after all the hardships, the ending is a happy one. one grew more tough, understanding, and matured.

oh I love you all who are here for me. each and everyone of you are just so special to me. and I hope my bad memory won't ever forget all these wonderful events in life ^^ xoxo

Saying sorry

"Apologizing doesn't mean you're wrong and the other person is right.

It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego."

just something that has been going on my mind for a while. and someone just voice out my heart by posting it on Facebook.

you're ignorant, insensitive, stuck up, stubborn, inconsiderate. I love you and I care for you. I tell you off bcoz I want you to change for the better.

but I'm sorry I can't be that person anymore. maybe you never cared about what I did for you for they're just small lil things that you never knew how to appreciate. so with your ignorance and how I refused to tell you off anymore, you still don't know what going on. you probably didn't realize I'm ignoring you.

I'm sorry that I've decided to love myself more today. I've decided that I can be by your side for sometimes I'm not a good person when you're around, and I don't like that. I don't like being angry, I don't like to be poking in your business so much when my "assistance" is not required. I don't like to try too hard when I'm not needed. in fact I hate it that I detest myself for doing it.

but at the end of it what do I get. you still don't reflect on your mistakes. you still don't learn how to apologize. you still don't know how to think for others around you. you just move on to other more important stuff and "know" things would work out eventually. I'm sorry it wont be like this this time. I'm sorry I had to give up on you.

I'm sad. I really hope that you'd miss while I'm gone. though I know it won't be happening. I know I treasure our relationship more than my ego, but at the same time it's sad to admit it's won't be the same for you.

goodbye

Heart of Stone ?

try as I may, I can never really distract or deny how I truly feels.

bcoz every small lil negativity would eventually lead back to you.

I dont know if Im just using you as an excuse to be sad.

sometimes it feels so bad and it happens too frequently I question myself if Im using you as an excuse.

it's been 6 exact months since you're gone.

I thought things had been better, but frankly speaking, it has not.

or maybe it had but it was significantly small for me to feel it.

every small lil disappointment in life will lead me on to thinking there is nobody like you.

but I have lose you forever.

everytime i feel lonely, I would feel lost n confused.

and you are not here for me.

i have went thru bad times, and I have felt sad before while you were here ..

but after a while, the mind always lead me back to how I have someone at home who loves me, who would never give up on me.

while now, its just ... emptyness.

and sometimes it just feel like ......

我不難過，這不算什麼。

只是为什么眼泪会流，我也不懂

Bao Bao

Falling in love with thailand all over again~
am thinking if i wanna go learn the language.
I have 10 months to learn how to speak a lil before i go to bangkok next year :)
so excited~ finally meeting nizki after like .....3 yrs then.

am stoning right now.
I think it's bcoz of the extra double shot coffee i had during lunch.
530am cannot sleep. 830am gotta work.
die.

but i really wanna share this sweet song~
thai songs damn meaningful lark

We only have one heart
Why bother seeking for so many things?
It will just cause us more troubles.
Just you to take good care of us
Let us do everything we want for the moment

*Sometimes it's okay if you're far away
And you might sometimes forget to think of me, I understand
Dont be sad things didnt turn out the way you want it to be
Just let it be

#Think of me sometimes when you've got noone to think of
Chill out, and we would meet in our dreams
Spare me your happiness there is nothing too much
So we're tenderly loving each other

There is a long way ahead you and I
so it wont ever be too late to let the heart learn

American Boy

I have always love this song, but I never knew the song title nor the lyrics.
but I repeating it all over work today.
and Im loving it!

there's one line singing my heart out. hahahaha just cant stop thinking bout it.
i think, imma start watching some tvb soon to get rid of this feeling :)

Life is a roller coaster

.. which has its own ups & downs.

I dont know if it's a good thing to feel so deeply for everything that is happening around me, to be easily satisfied by small lil things and later to feel so bad for other small lil -ve stuff as well.

I really feel my simplicity is americanized. Im such an American wannabe. but Im loving it ;)

feel so angmo wanna be that i even got myself sexy brown eyes lol. internal joke really <3

hrmmm I had a dream bout my mum last saturday. we were just talking, and she was just saying about telling me about all the stuff she've done for me. I know about it all. I never doubt her love for me. that's what got me really sad about losing her. bcoz I lost the only thing who ever love me in my life. I lost the love of my life :( and i was whining of how tough things had been around me recently, I broke down n cry in the dream. and possibly bcoz I was crying too hard, I woke up. and felt tears on my cheeks. the only dream which felt so vivid, that i actually cried even more when i got up.

and i was so emo all day. and i wanna get out so badly. i need a break away from home.

thank god thye yett was back in town! <3

and we decided to meet up! wento giza with randall & bryan to meet up with the DU gang. and had a really good time. good company. interesting stories from the past. it was good i was happy.

and the following day, I wento collect my glasses. HD view finally!

today when was at work, revi couldnt stop laughin at my new geeky look

hahahaha

i also got my new color contact lenses to angmo-nized myself. will post pic once i put it on, but Im just gonna enjoy my HD view for a moment. the only disadvantage would be that I cant see my food when I eat bcoz of the thick black frame blocking my sight whenever i look down. ><

and so small lil things like self pampering got me excited all night. so excited that I couldnt sleep.

then it's was 2.45am. war time. i got a dk!

i was OWNINGZZZZZZZZ lol

i havent sunk forts in a while.

such joy kept me up til 530am.

and i was exhausted all day. without coffee. and lazy. and weather was just gloomy. got me .. moody .. and also for the fact i was worried bout granny's appt with the doctor on the same day. and how a friend got into a minor accident. and another friend broke up with his 5 yrs gf. they're all so sad ..... and i got upset :(

and night comes. had some emo chat with granny bout mummy.

from emo to even more emo

and it all changed. within seconds, when sungwook offered me a place to stay in seoul ^^

and the timing i was visiting korea, is so perfect .... that korea actually have 2 public holidays .. out of the 10 days i was there ..... like wow how coincidence is that. and catching up with him. just recharged my endorphins .. just like that :)

hahahaha so after a whole lot of boring post. I officially declared myself a self proclaimed drama queen. lol. and so the drama queen is signing off to bed. merely slept 3 hrs last nite ><

Strong women

While to some, it is a gift. To me it is a curse. I think.

what am I talking about?

Intelligence.

Perhaps god should only grant those strong minded souls with intelligence.

For a weaked minded person like I am, it is definitely a curse. elementary & secondary school was made so easy for me, that I forgot what hard work is all about. diligence was never part of my dictionary. and as I grow older, education got tougher, but teamed along with the laziness .. I got thru school with a lot of 'cheating'. but it was also all these cheating that I've done, that made me an empty shell. so now you get my point of it being a curse ?

my mother always think I could be so much better than how I am now. I couldnt agree less. if only I have attitude, which Im lacking .. all the bad habits trained throughout the first 25 years of my life. Im paying for it now, slowly. struggling to get thru stuff. unsincerely regretting thru all my sloth. but who am I kidding?

Envy for sure I am. for they are who I would never be however hard I try. I wanna be just like them. all I have to is put my mind into it. "think of what you want to happen, and it would, for the human mind is so powerful, it could take you so far if you use it correctly," some religious person used to say. it is so true. there had been so many thesis and studies done about what the brain can do. but what the thesis n studies doesnt tell you is how Satan comes into play, for it is a discouraging thought they need to remove from the mind.

and for me Satan is always there. always the culprit, always got the better of me :(

to all those people who always got up on time, go to bed early. I dont know how they do it. I can try very hard, and it only works sometimes. it's complicated I cant explain.

I personally feel that women are always the weaker gender. it might not be true, but in my honest opinion, at the end of everything, perhaps all we want is somebody to hug to sleep. note somebody. not something.

and maybe that is bcoz Im weak. but I've seen examples of so many independant women, single and successful. I feel intimidated. and it made me wonder about the men around them. these people are so great, it is just such waste if they were to succumb to their weak side. and they know it. and born with intelligence and strong minds, they make it work. the next question is always what if their weak side kicks in? perhaps maybe their strong mind is so focus, and the weak side doesnt stand a chance .. and they're just so happy with the way they are. I dont know.

I guess motivation is the key. I need a focus. need to train my mind to work. need undo my curse and make it a blessing.

although I secretly wanna be just a farmer's wife. now Im an engineer. and I need to make it work for myself :) gambateh!

Kate Perry

I dont know why I totally love her.

hahahah i love beiber as well but nobody could understand it lol.

am craving for a-party-til-you-drop night since forever.

it's okay. it's been 60 days.

60 really horrible days of my life.

but Im sure I could make it thru 100.

besides korea is just around the corner.

and kate perry would help me out ;)

my personal favourite

Hope you don’t see me blush
but I can’t help but want you more, more
Baby tell me what’s your story
I ain’t shy and don’t you worry
I’m flirting with my eyes
wanna leave with you tonight
Do you come here much?
I gotta see your face some more!

<3

How I feel for you ..

Just being close to you, sharing the air with you

even if we're just friends still, its too hard to resist

there's always a question in my mind

I want to know you feelings

I just cant tell you how much I love you

I know Im just no one

I know it cant be possible

there's no hope for me no matter what

since you have nothing to do with me

no matter how hard I've tried you wouldnt love me

and soon all my hope will be faded away

even if i love you this much its just meaningless to you

I'd just been hoping too much that someday you'd love me too

despite the fact that its' impossible and Im not the one for you

its still okay lemme just keep you in my heart til the time ends

dont know how long will it take for me to erase you from my mind

dont know when will I be able to love again

My Love Forecast ..

Love Forecast: Feb. 28 – March 6, 2011

Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 23 A talkative moon has you engaging in sexy emails and text messages, provocative phone conversations, and steamy in person flirtation. You'll win someone over with your creative words and impress that special honey with your descriptive proposals.

Love Forecast: March 7 - March 13, 2011

Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 23
You're trying to heal some wounds from your past so you can move forward. Saturn is inspiring you to dig deep into old relationships, failed marriages, or broken engagements. Be honest with yourself about how you contributed to any problems.

Strangely enough I know just exactly what it is talking about. its accuracy frightens me really

Almost entering month 3 of 2011

I know I been wanting to blog for a very long time. I wanted to blog about my past year new years resolution, how successful or how badly it failed. and possibly make new ones this year, but I hadnt had a chance to bcoz the year didnt start off too well.

I promised Jonathan sidik <3 that Im gonna blog n maybe post some pics from the hong kong trip in november but I havent done it either. Ahem the pics is still in the camera not transferred to the com ><

and there are so many things bottled up inside me ever since 2011 started, I just dont know how to express them, confused bout how I really feel or what I really want. hence me just stoning around not knowing what to do.

and it's coming to march soon. last year I anticipated for 2011. Im gonna meet up with my taiwan lovelies. my korean boys. it's all good. but the mess from 2010, made life so miserable. and the lost of the person I loved the most in my life. it was all hard for me.

I miss you. I really do. I wish there is still a person there to stand up against me n believe in me. I wish there is still someone out there who understands me and love me despite all my flaws that you hated, never giving up on me, hoping that I would one day be the better person. I wish there is still you who is always there to entertain my stupid question or silly daily happenings. I dont anymore. Im now just all byself.

and life just felt hard. so hard without you. I just feel so tired explaining myself to someone who would never understand. tired of being pushed so hard at all the things I didnt do, but taken for granted for the things I did.

it's been 20 days. 20 hard days. sometimes i just whisper to myself about all that I was doing, knowing you would never respond anymore, but just hoping you can hear, and know that Im doing well. not happy but well. well at least I can say I have nothing to worry about in my life anymore. I was having lotsa other troubles with etc and not happy while you were around. and you saying goodbye, gave me the courage to lose all my troubles as well, bcoz I guess it's time I be firm about what's important and good for me. and it works like how it was meant to be, out of sight, out of mind. now I just need to keep it out of sight, and move on with life. I wish it had been easier with you, but you were never trivial to me. I might seems like I dont care, but you were never trivial.

and so Im going taiwan soon. I have yet to decide if Im gonna travel alone or with a partner, but I would like some quiet time. maybe take some beautiful picture of spring. I hope to update soon. prob when my mood lighten up. it has already actually. just a bit, but I am better now :)

Weird dreams

maybe the holiday mood makes me go a bit kuku.

coz I dream funny. just yesterday I was dreaming about myself drooling on the lappie while I keep receiving spams on msn. just to wake up and find myself sleeping with the laptop folded next to me. but of course out of curiosity I wondered if anyone really left a msg for me while I was asleep, so I switched on the lappie to check anyways. or maybe it isnt a dream, just my imagination while I was sleeping bcoz I swear that thought went thru my mind THREE TIMES. and I woke up 3 times, feeling in a daze, just to satisfy the curiosity.

the one before that was even weirder. bcoz I dreamt my dreams being fulfilled. I think I was backpacking and is spending the night in the hostel. I dreamt that I was sleeping, but was woken up by the cold. I think it's prob a room for 8. and I was on one of the top bunk. so I got up and I woke up the guy who is sleeping beneath me. He somewhat look familiar, but I dont really know who is he.

"Im feeling cold", I said in my usual childish, somewhat coquettish tone.
"You poor girl, come n sleep with me. I'd keep you warm", he offered.
"But would that sorta body contact turns you on?" me being hesistant.
"Silly girl, shouldnt you known better by now. Now come over here." He said as he pulled my hand to hold me. and I just lie down obediently and hug him to sleep.

and I was almost certain that I was in a romantic relationship with this person. but he showed no response nor interest in me. and he sounds pretty gay too. maybe earlier he was just trying to tell me that I should know that he is only interested in boys. idk, the dream just felt absurd.

but then that dream inspire me to go make more gay friends. anyone can intro ?
keekekekek

A secret to share

hrmmmm
Im kinda feeling a bit off today
like something is not right with me.
i have stories to share but so far the people who i spoke to havent been giving the right responses. so I guess blogging out my stories is the only way.

and so Im on my week off for a family trip up north. I was in penang during the last weekend and now Im at cameron highlands for the next 2 days.

penang was fun yesterday bcoz i met some korean tourist which made my day. and later that night when i wento batu feringgi night market there was this thai girl who was looking after stall. she was very nice n friendly. i love thai ppl. had a good time chatting with her that i didnt even bother to bargain when i bought my dress.

i know anyone who had heard me say this would think Im mad. but I feel happy whenever i see korean/thai ppl. there is something about the presence of such people which creates a joyful aura. I like :)

i made a new friend recently. hrmmm ever since my travels, cc n I have always been complaining about how the people got rooted back to life so easily, while us we're still living life in the past. i guess one of the best moments is still meeting people of our kind there. while most ppl here are just too realistic, us on the other hand more like idealist. and i connect well with ppl who loves to travel backpacking too. I mean it is only when i talk to those people I dont feel like Im being judged or discriminated.

hrmm n it's not really proper to say things like this in public.
another thing which i feel funny while most people might find it indecent n crazy.
wat happen was somebody confronted me about a photo they saw on gutter. oh my. I wish I could show u the pic, but shy lark. the girl look 99% like me leh. and it was such a coincidence bcoz just 2 weeks ago I cut my hair to somewhat look like that too. wahseh. one of the first thing I did was show the ex bf of it, and he was like "wtf why u take naked pic of urself?" I find it so funny that I almost rolled off the bed

i also told a new friend about it, which is probably me not using brains. bcoz I kinda regretted it. he must have thought Im a freak. I mean imagine some stranger online suddenly show u naked pics. esp a girl.

suddenly makes me wonder how the fren found "me" naked. i wento the thread too. got like 100 pics of chicks posing one after another. and they actually slowly see thru one by one. naked pic really so nice to see meh ><
boys ..... -.-"

Im in cameron highlands now. I couldnt sleep coz my mind is bursting with thoughts. I would need to wake up early for morning walk tmr. weather is awesome. remind me of cp times. would be nice to have someone to cuddle. jealous leh everyone couple couple me odd one out. k lark sleep lor. nite guys

Being a Better Person

listening I've been getting a lot of flash back about the advice people might have given me through out these years.

for I am a sensitive soul. I take small lil things to heart. and like I've said before, they might be small, but they aint trivial. and it really doesnt take much for these small lil things to happen, they just do. and like sunshine, they brighten up your day just like that.

but these small lil things in small lil packages doesnt always contain the good stuff. sometimes they might be rotten. and so how do I deal with these rotten things in life.

life isnt perfect. it can be great & wonderful. it can suck & is horrible. it all depends on how you look at things. many times it's just a matter of things being just a slight difference, then it would be good.

but instead of praying for things to be different for a perfect happy ending, you know these sorta things arent in your control most of the times, why not just change yourself to be a better person? You're at a win win situation here. You be a better person, and you get your happy ending. sometimes it's just all that easy.

all we really need to do is just take some time to listen & reflect on the comments received. if it is for the better, then it is really worth the effort.

just some pet peeve which sometimes annoys me really bad which are selfish people who live in a world which only evolves around themselves. prob this is the grown up world. or prob they're lucky to have a lot of people with high tolerance by their side hence they're spoilt. they're always a saying that some people only grew younger as they aged. their mind so stuck up with no logic or conscience. forever expecting others to change for them, just like waiting for money to fall from sky. maybe at some point of my immaturity i was like that. maybe I might yet to completely drop of that bad trait. but lucky me I know my mistake and is trying to change.

and also maybe lucky me, thanks to the existance of such people in my life, Im slowly .. tho very very slowly developing a higher patience level, slowly gaining tolerance. I like people like that. I feel happy when Im around them. and thinking back about those sweet memories when these people are by my side bring smiles to my face. and I wanna be like that. so just taking a step at a time. to be more like you, less like me :)

cheers~

Sun Salutation

Inhale raise your hands up arch back.
exhale bend forward, catch your ankles, head touching knees.
inhale right leg back, look up chin up hip further down to the floor.
exhale left leg back to the plank position. breathe breathe breathe.
knees down, toes straight, chest down chin down.
inhale move forward chin up to the cobra pose, elbows bend closer to the body.
exhale lift up your hips up to the downward facing dog. heels touching the floor, shoulder further in.
inhale right leg forward, look up chin up hips further down to the floor.
exhale bring your left leg forward hands catching your ankles head closer to the knees.
inhale rise up hands up arch back.

ok exhale second round ..

I could almost memorize his scripts .. and Im not ashamed of it ^^

Empty Shell

if you think I dont know
if you think I'd never find out
then you're wrong.

just bcoz you dont talk. it doesnt mean the other party wont.
people lies. but if news are almost as close as you can get to first handed, makes you wonder who's the liar.

if to love, is not to feel hurt, or anything at all.
then an empty shell is what you'd get ..

Yours truly,
Me

1 year anniversary - CP journals 1: From KL - Tokyo - Cleveland - Sandusky

today marks the one year anniversary of the day I step foot into sandusky.

I still remember the day, May 9th 2009, when my parents and best friend mandy Q sent me off at KLIA. I also remembered calling Raymond to get my topup pin bcoz my phone has no credit, and I really need it when roaming in case of emergency. there I was, panicked .. and it was Rayman to rescue. and then I was sitting by the departure hall. and I saw the 100ml carry on liquids and felt another sense of panic. and Jason Tong called from China to say goodbye. well under his persuasion I managed to sneak in those liquids and felt proud of being able to smuggle thru the customs.

some pics I took during the excitement in this post.

you see it was my first time going so far. and alone. Im excited for it. maybe a bit scared. but I guess the excitement got the better side of me.

first time having on board food. which was good. I ate all of it. met a really nice lady who was sitting next to me. I felt bad I kept interupting her sleep bcoz I had to use the restroom. I was too excited and also afraid of dehydration so I kept asking for free juices. tee hee. and when we arrived. she gave me 1000 yen (approx 10usd) for lunch, bcoz I had 8 hrs to kill and no yen with me.

so I arrived in japan. wanted to take a train to the city, but it was wayyy out of my budget. so I was wondering in n out of the airport. the confined smoking area. the cute food models outside each restaurant. carefully planning for how I was gonna spend my 1000 yen. Im just like a little kid in a candy store at japan. everything just seem so amazing. so different. they have super 6 7 8 9 exp sushi pendrive in stores. yummy looking but I doubt it taste as good as it looks bento sets. their vending machine look so colorful and pretty. looking at the place just made me happy ^^

and then I finally decide how I was gonna spend my 1000 yen. it was lost. no longer in my pocket :(

hrmm so no lunch. I was wandering around for like 4 hrs. walking in circles. tired. my bag too heavy. and I think I've explored every inch of the airport. time to go in. this time they found my liquids. no escape for that. thank god the people in the airport was nice. too sweet. the gave me a box to check it. i love them. how come we dont get airport service like that here. hrmpf.

thru the castam gates. you see many designers shops. hahaha Im back to being a kid in a candy store. just window shopping at each corner. wanted to go online but the lappie wouldnt work. and the PCs they have costs money :(

and then I got on board the plane to chicago. the guy who was sitting next to me, was from canada. i think he thinks Im very jakun for taking pics of my food on board. american airlines stewardess are so different from asian stewardess. they're fat. and not very friendly. I mean they are friendly, but they tell you to self service with a smile. hrmmm..

couldnt really sleep much on board
too excited
not from kl-tokyo, not from tokyo-chicago.
occasionally i look out of the window. and was too amazed by the snowflakes that forms between the window glass. and also the spread out clouds across canadian skies. awesome really.

arrived chicago May 10th 2009, had to wait for another transit to Cleveland airport .. which was pretty quick actually. this time the plane I got on was super small. hrmm they only have like what, 3 seats each row? and prob 25 rows? hahaha. I dont think got such small planes around here.

an hour later I arrived Cleveland. omg SCARY LIKE HELL OK! airport damn empty. almost nobody. feel like you're stranded in the middle of no where ..
sky getting dark. thank god I've done my homework, so I know where I should be heading to. took RTA (like KTM) to downtown. it was like, 8pm. but it was already dark. and quiet. just a few people here and there. and so I start on my journey to look for the amtrak station. it's 10 mins walk. but it took me 90 mins to get there. when I arrived it was already 10pm. my bags were so freaking heavy i have to drag them all over. and since nobody knew the existance of the place, nobody could direct me there. seriously? it's just like there, around the corner, and nobody knew about it. not even the policeman. it didnt even show up on his gps. so really wtf? but thank god for city maps at each corner of the street. I managed to find my way there.

it just started to drizzle as I was 2 mins from the station, so god arent I lucky. it was so chilly. and the wind. I love it. but I guess I miss the warmth too. I remember going out for some fresh air, and almost freezing to death. I have 7 hrs to kill. then came a guy, he told me his stories. he went non stop. I was just listening to his adventures. god knows if they're real. something about him biking from dunno where to dunno where in such cold weather but it was fun n adventurous. and lotsa shit I cant remember.

finally embarked onto train to sandusky. and it was oh-so-comfy. bcoz I was super sleepy. need rest. didnt sleep much on plane. and the chairs at train station werent exactly comfy. plus I was afraid I might miss my train. so yeah.

next chapter. arrival at sandusky

bcoz this is my blog I'd bitch all I want when I wanto

you have to seize the moment when it's time.
else when it's gone .. it's for good.
i knew it 2 yrs ago. but I couldnt help keeping on hope. for small thoughts and fantasies made up my day, kept me happy.
the sparks were gone. there were lack of conversation. but everything else still feel the same. how he tease. how we whisper. how his warm arm felt next to mine. when the shoulders used to touch the first time, I had wished it to be more than just sitting next to each other innocently. and how Im sure he felt the same way. I stopped feeling that way. and I know it's the same for him. and memories of the undertable kicking we used to do. brings a sad smile to my face. smile bcoz it was a happy memory. sad bcoz it was the past.

2 yrs ago was the day I started my internship. and today is his turn.
ahhh the happy times. always wish I could turn back time. and relive that moment.
bcoz I still remember the day he wave goodbye. and later sending me a text about the message he left in my book.

hrmmmmm
on a separate note. Im gonna bitch about my pet peeve bcoz I was so upset last weekend. u see. one thing I absolutely hate is, guys who play behind their gfs. which ppl would say, of coz wat, coz they wont get to play in front of their gfs, it's not allowed! seriously. then why get a gf. i cant stand ppl who are not loyal. my heart cries out for these ppl. and it pisses me off.

burgh. I really thought he was a nice guy. I mean I enjoy the text. and would like to know him better. not that I really liked him. I just enjoyed the company when I couldnt sleep at night. and so when he was away, I was sad. bcoz there wont be ppl to talk to me at night. and he ... was bloody flirting with me when he has a gf. wtf. I mean it's okay for me to flirt back bcoz Im single and all. but him, being in a relationship and all. i seriously look down at this kinda guy. appears single so he could still go around hunting. I know it was too good to be true for him to be single. and Im BLOODY RIGHT. and people knows. but they also see the flirting between us and decided to keep all the information by themselves. gah.

something is just so fucking wrong with this society.
men pissed me off.
I think I'd either be a lesbo. or die a virgin

Monday Tuesday W T F ..

you know how everyone dreads sundays and loves fridays bcoz weekend is ending and weekend is coming.

me for one feels the opposite for I always haf a horrible feeling my weekends are always screwed. I haf chores. or it's something I look forward for and ended up with millions of disappointment.

and so they're rarely good. tho I do enjoy the time off sleeping late and stuff. I hate the fact that I dont have something to look forward to. like. work. hahaha. seems funny. but work keeps me focus. sometimes I might not like what Im doing, (well that's bcoz of gandhi) but if u minus that, I kinda love my job.

and so this weekend is another piece of shit. I went for a wedding dinner which I knew nobody. the bride was pretty and sweet. they've been dating for 11 years. so I think it's pretty impressive. it's always like that, clean cut nerdy guy gets the hottest chick. I dig guys like that too to be frank. lol.

was bloody ffk-ed by the same person for 5 millions times on the same day. u know it's like something have to come up last minute and I have to compromise in between. feels like Im on the waiting list crap. seriously? 2nd class treatment. bcoz I aint no first class citizen.

I was feeling so bloody pissed off that I just cut off all outing with everybody at the end of it bcoz. Im miserable and bitter. just feel like hiding in the bed. away from people bcoz their attitude pisses me off. not like mine doesnt piss them off. urgh it's just something we all have to learn how to deal with every now and then.
right now ... just wtf

and to be watching leechers doing their work, and their host happily having their blood sucked. that disgust me. it adds on to the hate I have for this world. and thanks to you for contributing it. and it's not like you would care bcoz we're totally no connections in anyway for you to even mind that I do.

screw the weekend. thank god when I wake up tmr, it's back to work

The Joys of Not Having It All

I dont know if you notice, but I think I reflect on my life a lot. hahha actually that's just a nice way of putting things. some others would just say Im thinking too much nonsense ..

but seriously, sometimes we get too caught up in life, we stopped thinking. like we worked hard for something and we gotten some positive results, and so we worked harder. and we're so busy in chasing for things in life, we're too busy to consciously understand what we're doing and why we're doing it ..

and so I like to spend moments reflecting on life. reflect on happenings, the reason, cause and effect shit. and how to make it better in future. and if it is a mistake I have been doing, stop it. take a step back from life, and look at the result.

just like if you're painting a mural. cant keep painting. have to take a break and see how is the effects of your painting. and how to improve it. bcoz when you're standing at such a close distance, it's hard to look at the bigger picture.

and I think it's what all of us need to do, take a step back in life, and reflect on what you've done, and is the present what you are expecting for, and if no, what have gone wrong. and sometimes, also to understand why we dont have it all.

I mean I know many people who are not living their ideal life, myself included. it's your choice to whine and cry about it and make all your friends hate you for being the bitch. or to look at the good side of things and be content bout life. well I hate my life (what's new?), but Im starting to feel less miserable compared to how I used to be. life had not improved, neither had it gotten worse. but it's me who had changed. bcoz it's a path I had chosen. some others might have influenced my choice, but the decision is still mine. and thus I should stop bitching about it.

it's a very cliche talk. but shouldnt we ask wat do we have to offer in life, rather than what life has to offer us?

we might not have everything we want in life. we might look at many people we know and wonder, why dont we own what they have and even feel the envy. sometimes we work hard and not achieve certain things which other people have without a sweat. and feel like it's not fair.

but my friends, to be miserable or be happy. it's your choice.

it your choice to look thru that narrow slit, and see nothing, or push yourself to open the door and see more things.

it's also your choice on whether you should extract positivity or negativity out of your daily happenings.

whether to make things happen, or just dreaming about it forever, it's up to you.

and so one day I might end up feeling murky again, but after a while, I take a step back to reflect on my life, and remember what I have written today.

having it all. doesnt necessarily make you happy.
sometimes you want something so bad, worked hard to achieve it, just to realise it's not what you really wanted.

In a blink of an eye.

baby I love you, but please, this is a chance for me. dont make me choose between you and her

why? coz you'd choose her?

yeah I'd choose her ..

and this is all how it ended .. ultimatum over trivial issues.

Of Love and Lust

maybe some girlfriends would tell you this:

If sex was good the first time, it would probably get better. If it was great the first time, it would go downhill. But mostly if the sex was really great, the best sex you'd had in your life, it meant the two people should be together..

but seriously ?
to men, they love sex. But great sex doesnt mean that they wanted to marry you. Great sex no longer held any implications for them. It was only that: great sex.

and that girl friends. is the ugly truth.

I dont want tonite to end!
the clock can fast forward everynight but tonight it had to stop! :(
bcoz after tonight it's gonna be 2.5 weeks lonely nights. I just cant imagine. man I wish I could be touring around and having fun, but gandhi had expectations for me .. I gotta work on the staircase the architects screwed up. man seriously .. Im glad Im not dating an architect. one of the world greatest dumbass.

fsc

Of Pillows and Muscles

Currently listening to: If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland feat Kate Perry

blogging from work bcoz Im in a cherry mood. gandhi still isnt here. and so no more new task for the week.

the weekend was good. had some series of misfortunate. but none of them can beat my joy. it's like even a good thing can be extracted from a bad event. and Im feeling just like how the song. of coz olivia ong from the weekend still plays in my mind occasionally. but everytime I hear the song it makes me happy. bcoz you make me happy ^^

Im just randomly writing things about the things I like. How to Court Sue 101. lol. doesnt work for everyone, but if you're on my good side .. these are the things which definitely adds up your points.

And so pillows and muscle.

I just find it sweet how some guys have pillows in car. for their girls' passenger. I know it's not just for me. and many other girls have touched it before I do. but I have a soft spot for comfy pillows. hahaha I once receive a pillow for bday present bcoz I sleep in class so much. and how I bring pillows to school and everyone wanna steal my pillow. it melts my heart when you share your comfy smelly pillow with me. I dont have my own so I love your smelly pillow ^^ haha something in common between the past few people I have dated. and up til today, hugging your pillow to sleep is the only times I fall asleep with ease. with the nightmares, sometimes I dont wanna sleep. or maybe sometimes Im staying up just to hear the jay chow piano ringtone ;)

which makes me wonder if he owns a smelly pillow. hehe.

everybody knows I like slit eyes. well yes. I like looking at them. I have been dating a couple people with big eyes and I found myself ever in love as well. and the second thing I eye for in a guy is his arms. I just have a fetish for biceps. I mean I blush when I saw the muscles. it's just something I like. hahaha my ex-bf was pretty lembik and I wasnt that into him like I was into guys with biceps.

I like it when he carries me. I like it when he piggy bags me. until now Im pretty amazed that someone of my muscle size can carry someone as big as me. Im addicted to being carried ;)

another thing I like to do is poking the arm. it sends adrenaline down my spine. lol.

and also how those arms feel around you. muscular chest could be a plus point sometimes too becoz I like the way my face feel on the chest. serious. is like if u know the country got terrorist and you have such guy hugging you. and you know he's gonna be taking care of you. reminds me of how he always took care of me. making sure Im nvr cold at night. I eat well. hrmm

i have a girlfriend who has not been smiling happy for a while. when asked why is she sad she claims that she's down bcoz nobody wants her. she's pretty .. a good personality. and if Im a guy I wanna go out with her. but possibly bcoz most people she knows is either married or attached. I have a feeling Im heading down that way too.

Im happy april is here. or rather near. have been waiting ages to make that phone call. I guess the worries will end when the time is up, and answer is solve.

gandhi is finally here. ok Im back to work. but work is probably gonna be easy coz he barely slept and prob he's leaving home soon. and I'd be looking forward bed time tonight :)

Love Shack ~

Currently listening to: Love Shack - B52

This song kept playing on my mind .. I have no idea why .. just kept remembering the days when I was in jewellery cart .. or that night in vegas where they have their karaoke night .. or how sometimes the people from johnny rockets would dance to the song.

and I feel like Im heading to the love shack baby love shack!

hahahahha

not too long back, a friend reminded me of what I was. I mean he was just telling me something random about how he would hate his father for the rest of his life if he were to marry the woman who broke his family. and I was thinking that Im just the same. I would hate the person who has a relationship with the woman who broke mine as well. and the hate would go so bad that I wouldnt even mind if he disappear from my life. but before that, I assure you that I would try my ultimate best to "wish them happily ever after".

oh Im such a hater.
and Im so evil.

coz the love shack is a little old place where we can get together .....
love shack bay beeeeeee

Babies

I love them.
yet I hate them.
it's complicated.

they're cute and all. but sometimes their entertainment value is just .. limited. and I lost interest. but every now and then I still miss them. and think about them. and want their presence ..

they're innocent. small lil things make them happy. like hiding behind the pillow and appearing moments later ..

I envy them. Im jealous about how they can easily fake a cry. while it takes me to hurt real bad to cry. and then Im also jealous about how easily they smile after crying, and after wiping away those tears, nobody knew that they just cried. while it takes me A LOT of time to smile from my heart again, and people always know when I do. unless I hide myself for hours after I cry.

or possibly how everyone loves them. without even trying. and how it's getting harder to stay on somebody's good side when they're constantly judging you. unless you're perfect. and that too they'll still hate you bcoz you are perfect.

or how they always get what they want bcoz adults want them to be happy. while as you grow up people expect you to shove the demands up your ass and make do with what you have. it's like a sin to even ask. and if you be bold enough to ask, it's like you're asking to be slapped in the face. they reject you, further bruising your ego. and you're supposed to swallow them up. while all babies need to do is cry. and they get whatever. like literally.

I miss baby. he's cute. everyone loves him.
I just wished he liked me more :(